West Side 1 East Side 0

The Vanblogger could use a little Texas Swing

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Ernest Tubb

Who the hell thought that this was a good idea?

I know that Sienna Miller is the new rage for this week, and she is making the rounds isn't she? Diddy, Hayden Christiansen (I thought he was gay?), and who else? More like who cares? Other than a role in Cassanova, which was supposed to be a shit sandwich, what has this woman done to warrant the attention lavished on her? Jude Law? Chris Rock was right about that guy. Look, I go to celebrity sites looking for the latest on who Paris has given her herpes to, or to find out that Lindsay was last spotted by an overpass blowing a homeless guy for the gasoline he was huffing, and I keep reading about this woman. And then to cap it off, I have to see pictures of her parading around in this? It's bad enough that someone posted more Kelly Osborne on the blog, so I am adding to the craptacular images by adding Sienna going to a party. Who wears this crap? She's obviously still hung over from the roofies that Diddy slipped her and forgot the rest of the outfit. Maybe when she's recovered she'll figure out that her control top hose hasn't kept her any less skanky.

Homer

For Homer

This was on Perez Hilton's blog and is the best picture of Kelly Osbourne that I have ever seen. As soon as I saw it I knew I had to post for Homer as he is obviously infatuated with her. Aren't you jealous that we don't live in Japan so we can watch her new tv show? I can't believe that the US tv exec machine has not picked it up yet. Everyone really wants to see her "turning Japanese." And then maybe we can check out the funeral for Barbaro. That would be a day of wicked-awesome broadcasting.

Disaster Averted!

So Hugh Hefner is what, 90 now? 110? And he is sooo with it. To just update a previous post, Hefner has rejected the idea of featuring Kelly Osborne in the pages of his magazine. He made some comment to the effect that they can't airbrush "that much." That is a good development for all of us because you know those pictures would be everywhere, and quite frankly I enjoy my eyesight. Maybe if she secures representation from Bob Loblaw, she can appear in the hit video series "Girls with Low Self Esteem."

Homer

What, the picture of Jenny McCarthy? Do you think I want to post another picture of Kelly Osborne? What crack have you been smoking?

Damn this McRib is good!

So it was official today. Barbaro is dead, and there is no hope for us all. Maybe this horse taught us a little more about our humanity. Actually, that last line of crap came straight from the video montage on ESPN this afternoon when they were "celebrating the life of that amazing thoroughbred." Seriously. This is the kind of crap that the noted piece of American satire "Dodgeball" was lampooning when they claimed that ESPN 8 (or the Ocho) was broadcasting their tournament. If I am so shallow that the death of a horse can make me question my humanity, I'd like someone to let me know so I can go hang myself from a shower-curtain rod. At least Barbaro's untimely demise can either let us continue making bitchin' collages in elementary school or eating that divine McRib in some secondary markets.

Homer

PS- The picture above was lifted off of the Deadspin site, it was too good not to steal.

Whoops!

I believe this is the textbook definition of schadenfreude, because even the ESPN News guys are laughing at him. Athletes love the spotlight, so this guy must be happy to be on Sportscenter. Right?

Homer

For Themo

Since we are youtubing, here is one for themo, all of what was good and bad in the late 80's. Bonus points for anyone who knows the blood alcohol level for the last time they found Steve Clark in a gutter before he died. Think more than the legal limit maybe.

Homer

Hillary Clinton Sings National Anthem

testing

The Office: The More You Know

There are like 10 of these by cast members and they're all awesome. I suggest going to youtube. I'm kind of surprised NBC let them dog on their "The More You Know" series.

wierd snake

Awesome!

Disney goes Hollywood

From the Asshole-Related Pest:

"Annie NeedsASitz, framed photocopier, will join heffers with Walled Businessy to make the creams of celeries come true. Scarlet Ho-Handsome will deface Spinderella, and David Rectum, Europeeing foosball scar, beckons Sleezy Booty's Prints, with manly moor to fail after in phonographs belittling schemes from clashing Dizzy fills.

The ADD campus will run in magistrates GlamHair, The Nude Porker, and Hell."

I, for one, canned weight. Maybe now PairOf HeelsOn can Dr.Phil her descent to spread her legs as Show Light and the Heaven Doors with Wee Man and Vern Voyeur for the Playtoy ad.

DWIGHT YOAKAM - HONKY TONK MAN / STREETS OF BAKERSFIELD

Here is a little something for big sister. Good lawd them pants is tight.

Buck Owens - 1968 Act Naturally

I'm sorry, but I had to add one more and ask what in the hell happened to real country?

Buck Owens - 1966 Don't Let Her Know

You know Don Rich is a bad ass when he can pull off that pink suit.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Comment as you will - VG

I am sure you all have missed me...

Since I haven't posted anything in over a week I thought I would give you a little something to watch.



Gassy

Boise State

I case you forgot! -VG

Super Bowl Shuffle

Here we go again! -VG

Heart - Barracuda

Nancy Wilson = Hot
Ann Wilson = Fat
-VG

Disney Vault

Totally rad. Well worth your time. "You're supposed to be funny!?"

Pirates of the Great Salt Lake Trailer

I'm interested.

A little something for the ladies...

Imagine being married to a wonderful woman. Pretty easy for us guys, right? Themo is soo kickass that it is only one word, but just imagine guys if your wife suffered from IBS. Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome. And it's soo bad you cannot even stand to sleep in the same bed because her flatulence is threatening to kill you in your sleep. You just might need Under-Ease, a new underwear system that filters out the odor from your noxious ass. Cool huh? The best part is that this is a true story. The creator of these wonderful chonies actually did it so he could sleep with his wife. Here is her story taken from the Under-Ease website:

I am a 60 year old, married professional woman having raised 3 sons. For the past 32 years of my life, I've suffered with Crohns Disease, and Inflamatory Bowel Syndrome which causes symptoms of diarrhea and excesssive foul smelling gas. The embarrassment and consequent social anxiety would many times actually increase these symptoms.

I am a clinical psychologist in private practice and it has been tremendously embarrassing when I pass gas while working; often with little or no control. The most embarrassing moment of my working career was when a client said,"It smells like sewage in here!" My professionalism melted when I admitted to the client that my gas was the cause of the smell.

My devoted husband of 30 years had also struggled with sleeping in the same bed with me, and it would sometimes interfere with our intimacy. My children could laugh at it, but would leave the room. I noticed an increase in my symptoms when I was embarrassed about the foul smelling gas.

On one Thanksgiving night, as my husband and I were lying in bed after a wonderful dinner, the foul smell became unbearable for both of us. My husband ruminated, thinking,"I can't divorce my wife over this, but I have to do something." At that moment, he began to develop the idea of a pair of air-tight underwear with a filter that would eliminate the foul smell. For the next few months he researched filter materials and made a prototype of the underwear.

For the past 5 years, I have worn these underwear when I've had an acute Crohns attack with complete security. There has been no trace of bad gas odors. My social anxiety and embarrassment has been eliminated. In fact, I noticed I pass less gas when I wear the underwear, because I am calm, secure, and comfortable.

Now that is love huh? I know what Snippy's getting VG for his birthday this year!

Homer

Ali G and the Beckhams

I've never been a big Ali G fan, but this is a little bit of genius.

Enjoy!

Homer

Blades of Glory

Frank the Tank and Napoleon. I guess I'll have to give it a shot.

Homer

This one's for Gassy

I am posting this because Gassy requested the LL Cool J picture. I threw in Jessica because I'm not gay.

Homer

Diddy's not stupid

What you don't see is the next picture where he's checking out her butt. And I used to think Diddy was a stupid, talentless hack. Now I know he's just a talentless hack. Good to know.

Homer

Salma Hayek's dog is heroic

I was reading AZCentral this afternoon and came across this article:

Salma Hayek's hero dog

Jan. 18, 2007 12:40 PM

Salma Hayek's dog saved her life on the day of the Golden Globe Awards.

The 'Frida' star and producer of Globe-winning TV show 'Ugly Betty' fell asleep in her home when her dog, Diva, alerted her to a gas leak in the house.

Salma told Us Weekly magazine: "I had a headache and went to lie down when Diva woke me up grabbing my sleeve in her mouth and trying to pull me out of the house. Then I realised the gas was on!"

The 40-year-old star also appears in hit new comedy TV show 'Ugly Betty' which won Best Series at the Golden Globes on Monday while its main star, America Ferrera, won Best Actress in a comedy.

Salma is due to start filming 'Keep Coming Back' this year, in which she plays an alcoholic stripper who becomes the object of affection for a teenage boy.

Now, I think that dog deserves a little bit more than special treat for dinner this week. And it's not just the dog that is acting in a heroic fashion here, re-read that last line in the article again:

Salma is due to start filming 'Keep Coming Back' this year, in which she plays an alcoholic stripper who becomes the object of affection for a teenage boy.

Salma is trying to warn the males of the human race something. Rather than adopting an underprivileged child, she is going to teach us about our obsession with beauty. What a hero. This film is obviously going to be some kind of "After School Special" that is going to teach us all the pratfalls of falling for alcoholic strippers, but if they look anything like Salma Hayek, the producers of this piece of cinema might want to rethink their thematic idea, just a little bit. Just a thought.

Homer

(Owning his breast obsession so themo and Gassy can have another titter of uncomfortable laughter. See, I said titter. I kill myself)

How Fat is Fat??

So I am reading on TMZ (you know I gotta get me my daily gossip fix in by checking thru those nasty sites) and I saw this picture and caption:


Patricia Arquette may play a "Medium" but she needs an Extra Large.

Hmm - yes, we all know she is not stick thin and actually has some meat on her bones. But seriously, isn't it refreshing to see someone who doesn't look like Nicole Richie? And it is not like she is channeling Carmyn Manheim or Rosie O'Donnell or Gassy.

And btw - I am halfway thru my 3-day weekend so you don't need to worry about me clogging up the vanblogger much longer.

Gassy

Hall of Fame Video

In celebration of not only MLK Day, but Van Halen's induction into the HOF. A great video.

Homer

Album Cover Galore!!

Some people just have too much time on their hands. I mean really, don't these guys have anything better to do?

Homer

My Sick Infatuation With Kids Shows

I am too embarrassed to speak of this to anybody face-to-face so I will have my confessional on this blog. I love most of the Shows on Nick and Disney. I will even watch the crappy ones and get irritated when it goes to commercial. I am sad when my children are not home and I have no reason to be watching Nick or Disney and even though I am by myself it is too pathetic for me to watch those channels. So I go ahead and change it to VH1 and feel that somehow watching New York hump a bunch of gay men is "better" than seeing what is going on with Phil Diffy. Who by the way I have a pervy crush on.
Anyway, one thing has really been bothering me about the new Spongebob episodes. Is it me or has someone with no nasal passages taken over the vocals for Spongie? I can't stand it. It is driving me crazy. I have inserted two clips from different episodes as a comparison. (Don't be jealous about my YouTube skills, Nay.)

Old


New


gassy

Celebrity Sex Tapes

Celebrity sex tapes are becoming passe. The news of the gossip sites today was Keeley Hazell's. Apparently she is some British model-think Samantha Fox without the vocal prowess-who spends her professional days without clothes. She is reportedly not pleased with the release of this tape. It is a side of fame that is both pathetic and sad. It all seemed to start with those paragons of talent and romance Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. Their tape has led to all kinds of "outraged" celebs (and pseudo-celebrities) whose privacy has been invaded. Usually it turns out that one of the taped parties has sold the tape to some porn company, but the fact remains that sometimes people really don't want to be porn stars. Figure that one out huh? So here's my advice to any celebrity (or deviant - VG, I'm looking at you!) who wants to avoid this type of public shame (I mean really, did anyone need to know that Screech likes to pull the Dirty Sanchez? I could have lived happily without it): DON'T TAPE YOURSELF HAVING SEX!

There you go. Simple huh?

Homer

Hall of Fame

I was helping VG and Snippy move today when someone made the comment that they were waiting for a posting about Van Halen's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I ended up writing a longer post on my blog, which I wasn't sure you'd all want to have taking up valuable space we could be using to make fun of Courtney Love, but I will include one little part, because it seems that it is all I want anymore from Van Halen.

I’m not going to get into the vocalist changes or which era of the band produced better music, because it is all subject to taste, but in the end what I really want is for the band to show up (and I mean all of them: Dave, Ed, Alex, Mike, and Sam), accept the recognition with grace and dignity, and then go quietly off into that good night. I don’t need to be reminded about how Roth has turned into a parody of himself, unable to perform without the witticisms of 25 years ago; or about how EVH cannot play at a level anywhere near professional, let alone the elite level of musicianship he used to have; or have the junior high drama of their catfights or infights or whatever the hell their social inadequacies are displayed for all to see. If I sound bitter or disillusioned about this band, it is because that is what they have done to their fanbase with all of the crap. Over the last 8-11 years they have destroyed the goodwill that they had built up so completely that I just want them to do one thing from here on out. I want them to make me not embarrassed to have been a Van Halen fan.

Thanks for reading.

Homer

Beautiful

I have been wondering what to do with all of the great knowledge spinning around in my head and I have decided to dump all of it on this blog. And fortunately for you, most of my knowledge has no basis in reality and is not related to anything even remotely important. It is all garbage that I enjoy consuming and now regurgitating. Speaking of regurgitation, check out this picture of Bob Saget and Perez Hilton. Aren't gay men supposed to have taste?




~gassy

Nay is heading for a watery demise....

I knew that Wii sounds a little too much like Ouija. It is a scary game that will only lead its users to a certain and untimely death. That is why I have not yet played. I am sure that you all have seen this, but if not this is from the AP:

A 28-year-old woman died of water intoxication after taking part in a radio station's water drinking contest to win a Nintendo Wii video game system, the coroner's office said.

Assistant Sacramento County Coroner Ed Smith said Saturday a preliminary investigation found evidence "consistent with a water intoxication death."

Jennifer Strange's mother found her daughter's body at her home Friday in the Sacramento suburb of Rancho Cordova, California, after Strange called her supervisor at her job to say she was heading home in terrible pain.

"She said to one of our supervisors that she was on her way home and her head was hurting her real bad," said Laura Rios, one of Strange's coworkers at Radiological Associates of Sacramento. "She was crying and that was the last that anyone had heard from her."

Earlier Friday, Strange took part in a contest at radio station KDND 107.9 in which participants competed to see how much water they could drink without going to the bathroom.

Initially, contestants were handed eight-ounce bottles of water to drink every 15 minutes.

"They were small little half-pint bottles, so we thought it was going to be easy," said fellow contestant James Year of Woodland, California. "They told us if you don't feel like you can do this, don't put your health at risk."

Ybarra said he quit after drinking five bottles. "My bladder couldn't handle it anymore," he added.

After he quit, he said, the remaining contestants, including Strange, were given even bigger bottles to drink.

"I was talking to her and she was a nice lady," Ybarra said. "She was telling me about her family and her three kids and how she was doing it for kids."

The winner of the "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" contest was promised a Nintendo Wii video game system.

John Geary, vice president and marketing manager for Entercom Sacramento, the station's owner, said station personnel were stunned when they heard of Strange's death.

"We are awaiting information that will help explain how this tragic event occurred," he said.

~Gassy

star wars trailer

Wow, how old is this? It just makes me want to get a wheelchair and book a room at Friendship Village because I saw this movie multiple times in the theater. I'm going to go eat a prune now.

Homer

Wii Will Wii Will Rock You

I hate you...tube. None of my videos post!! And then like one day all fifty of them are going to show up and they'll no longer be relevant. And they'll be ten times unfunnier than they already are, and then I'll be banished from posting ever again. Stupid stupid stupid (<--how very George Michael of me).

On a less self-loathing note, TheMo and Homer have a Wii, and wii (CB and I) are going to leave soon so wii can spend hours on it until wii are kicked out, only to hide out in the bushes until wii can sneak back in while everyone is sleeping and resume playing with the Wii. So screw you, youtube. I'm going on to bigger and better things.

...Who am I kidding? I love you baby. Don't leave me this way.

Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction

I don't know if I have posted this before, but it is one of the great unknown videos of the eighties. It isn't as immediate as the Apache video, but it is nearly as beautiful in its putridity. Enjoy!

Homer

Kelly Osborne in Playboy

I read this today:

Ready to see Kelly Osbourne naked? Ready or not here she comes...Shehas expressed interest in posing nude in Playboy magazine. Oh and shewants to be completely naked in the men’s publication!

She says,"I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushingon my tits."

I know, it is a sexist magazine that exploits these women with no self-esteem and all of that, but this news is disturbing on a very simple level. It means that somewhere, some poor soul with a freaky clown fetish is going to be rubbing one out to this. I know photoshop and airbrushing are the industry standard, but Playboy is going to have to import some magicians for this job.

Homer

Comedy GOLD

I'm sorry, but this is probably the biggest comedic achievement of the 20th century. I'm pretty sure he won a nobel radness prize for this stunt.

Separated by Rehab

I totally stole this from Perez Hilton...I thought it was funny and eerily true...

K-Rock

Paris Tricks Britney

I know it is somewhat like one retard pulling the wool over they eyes of another retard, but this story had me rolling.

Britney Spears' sex fright

Jan. 4, 2007 07:49 AM

Britney Spears was tricked by Paris Hilton into thinking she had jeopardized her chances of ever having an orgasm again.

While the two 25-year-olds were partying at Los Angeles club Area the 'Toxic' singer lit the filter end of her cigarette which flared up as she inhaled.

Paris then apparently told her it would damage her ability to climax.

A source revealed to the National Enquirer magazine: "Paris told Britney, 'Oh my God! Don't you know that lighting a cigarette the wrong way and inhaling stops the blood flow to your private parts, and doing it more than once means you may never experience orgasm again!'

"Britney was horrified and ran around for about ten minutes asking everyone if they had ever heard that and what she should do about it."

Finally Paris stopped giggling and told Britney it was a joke, saying: "I had you going, didn't I?"

The 'Baby One More Time' singer slapped her friend on the arm and they then had a play fight.

I'm not really sure what this tells us about these two Mensa members or even about a society where two people like this are even a blip on the cultural radar. How stupid do you have to be to inhale the wrong end of a cigarette more than once? There are people who live under freeways and drink lighter fluid who can master the art of the Marlboro. And the prank itself? It certainly is a damning indictment of the level of sexual education in America. Oh, and the picture above? It is obviously of Britney (or a Britney-like person, I'm not sure it's really her) when she was better looking, meaning more talented than she is today. Maybe for her next trick Paris can make her herpes disappear.

Homer

One of the saddest things I can think of is the garbage can with the extension that is perched along the driveway out of a fast food drive-through (or, much to Andy Rooney's chagrin, "Drive Thru"). It makes me so sad because it is so useful. I usually have a lot of empty fast food containers and need to do a little housekeeping before I set down my new items. Apparently, so does everyone else in America. So much so that fast food companies caught on and provided that garbage can with the extension. My goal for 2007 is to not each so much fast food. Maybe one day I'll have no use for that garbage can. Maybe one day America won't, either.

My Liver Hurts (part 2)

I know that Courtney was supposed to have gone to rehab at least once, but when is it going to take? This picture should be plastered on bottles of booze to warn people what their livelihoods, their looks, and their bank accounts could look like one day. Scary stuff, have a great day!

Homer

I knew it was a bad idea to taunt the nerds

and now they are marching. Be ready folks, they are taking over and all of the cool people are on their hitlist. Actually, we should all be okay then, shouldn't we?

Homer

If Micky Rourke is terrifying,

then what adjectives do we use for Edward Van Halen? I've about run out of contempt for the man regarding his current inability to do anything productive outside of the pornography realm, but he's turning into such a psycho that he is starting to make David Lee Roth look like a genius who is aging gracefully. I'm just filled with sadness. Where is the youtube video of Unchained again?

Homer

Who's the Master

This still gives me chills to watch. Watch out for the glow.
Happy New Year!
-Gassy

New Vanblogger

I'll let the more artistic among you fiddle with the design of the blog, but check your e-mail for directions to sign in. Happy New Year

Homer

Exposé on Benny Hinn (one of two)

You've got to love Dateline. -VG

Homosexuality in dolphins

I rest my case.

WOW

I just had to get that thing off of the top of the blog. Anyway, we do have a conundrum regarding this blog. The blogger site wants us to change and sign up for their new google-driven site, and I have the answer. E-mail me a thevanblogger@hotmail.com before we set this into action. Re: the picture? I had to put something up there and if I ever have a den that the kids won't go in and steal stuff from, I'll have that. Happy New Year!

Homer

Ouch

To see the accompanying article about this crispy penis, go to Snopes.