Beginner's Luck

I posted this on my own blog, but since no one ever visits there, here it is. I thought that VG might get a kick out of it.

Homer

Apologies to CB

Care Bear has been doing a wonderful job elevating the level of discourse on this blog and I'm about to kill it, so I apologize in advance. I saw this picture this morning and I had to ask a question regarding tattoos, since I don't have any. Aren't your tattoos supposed to mean something? When I saw pictures of these two Mensa members, all I could guess is that Megan Fox (real name??? I'm skeptical despite what IMDB says) uses the Marilyn tattoo to remind her that she is pretty and Brian Green's tattoos remind him that he thought he was going to be a hip-hop star. As if the hip-hop community would allow a white talentless hack into their ranks. Or maybe his tattoos are supposed to represent the time at the Peach Pit, or whatever the hell the name of that place was, when he got cockblocked by a horse-faced nag, as if he'd ever live that down.

I hope for their sakes there is a tattoo parlor for really stupid actors (which could be one of the more redundant concepts I've ever written about) so these two wouldn't have to go sit next to real bikers and musicians to get their ink. I can only imagine the scorn and derision these two are going to face when their careers die (well, actually his is already dead, he's obviously already taking to hanging out in bus terminals with a business card and head shots, kinda like a Ron Jeremy).

On the positive side, maybe he can continue to cast his Jedi-mind trick on Ms. Fox with his quality pine box trade that he is clearly apprenticing in currently. Just a few more tries and he will be able to make a real squared-off end.

Homer

Just a quick thought

So Phoenix police chief Jack Harris says that the dude driving the truck in this afternoon's car chase/helicopter ratings phenomenon will likely face charges for his part in the deaths of the 4 journalists. What? That makes as much sense as entering themo in to a spelling bee. Obviously, I don't condone stealing cars and high speed chases, but there is no way this guy should be held responsible for those people dying. When I first heard it, I thought it was just an offhand comment by a reporter caught up in the moment. But then I realized something the more I heard people say it. But here me out on this...

A pickup truck barreling through cars has nothing to do with pilots running in to other things/each other. So why blame the guy in the pickup truck? The only argument I can see them having is "If he wasn't speeding around the city, those copters wouldn't have had to cover it and they'd be safe at home right now". GAY. TRY AGAIN. With that logic I see the Phoenix Police department or the local news media as having more blame on their shoulders.

1) The police should have called off the pursuit in accordance to department policy, but failed to do so. No police chase, no need for media coverage.
2) The media will gladly let pickup joe be the fallguy. It's easier to blame him than to take a serious look at why care chases receive that much media attention.

Unfortunately, the only people to blame would be the pilots. But damnit that just doesn't quench my thirst for good old-fashioned American vengeance. It's sad that those guys had to go out like that, but that driver had nothing to do with that crash and prosecuting him for those deaths is 100% wrong.

Here you go CB

Just to fuel the "Phoenix Suns got screwed!" flames.

Homer

Wow

I don't really know why I took so long to post this crapfest here. It has all of the hallmarks of a Vanblogger extravaganza - celebrity douchebaggery, embarrassing performances, and unintentional comedy of the highest order. It's been several months and I'm still speechless after seeing it. Enjoy, if you can keep from gouging your eyes out or puncturing your own eardrums after experiencing the "singer."

Homer

The Care Bear strikes again

In today's AZCentral/AZ Republic/Whatever, Bob Young brings up the Suns vs Spurs series with regards to the Donaghy gambling scandal. In particular, Game 3. It's not that I don't agree with Mr. Young. In fact, I think he's on to something. By "something" I mean, "barely anything worth mentioning". What does it matter? The Suns had their chance. Officiating can carry a game, especially those in question. But the Suns blew the chances given to them. My Christmas wish is that Phoenix moves on. My fear is that 10-20 years down the road people will talk about '07 as the one that got away. That's Poopy McPooperstain. Sack up and blow it out of the water next year.

The Care Bear Thinks Out Loud

1) "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly". This is total bullshit. A guardian angel can go as fast as they want to. Does your guardian angel not guard you when you fly? Are you driving faster than a plane? Couldn't your guardian angel be IN the car with you? This bumper sticker is bullshit city.

2) If I were a prostitute making a resume, I'd title my previous work experience as "Genital Contractor". That way, people wouldn't be immediately turned off by the prospect of hiring a whore.

My guitar is crying because I cannot play it that well...

I'm not sure how I feel about what Paul Gilbert does to this song. He is a Beatles fan, so it was intended as an homage. I think overall, he is about as tasteless as possible, in a good way. I apologize to CB in advance.

Homer

Dora Vs Wipe Me Down

The first20 seconds is slow, but it's worth it. You might even hear Dora say "Pussy Niggas".

Look Out Cujo!

All I know is that if I saw this walking down the street, I'd be looking for four dudes riding horses and looking out for plagues and stuff. This is supposed to be a real dog, with some kind of genetic defect. One that makes him all badass! K-Rock, this should be your next dog.

Homer

Fan Catches A Baseball 454 Games In A Row

I want to punch this guy in the face. VG

Ever what happened to Steve Bartman after he caught that foul ball?

This must have been pretty damn scary. VG

I love Japan! -VG

Video of the Year

I didn't want to nominate something that I posted, unless it was disgusting, but this video was so good VG posted it again just so we wouldn't forget. I call that Video of the Year damnit!

Homer

"Triple T is a hitter, not a quitter"

Truer words have never been spoken. I love this clip, it absolutely destroys ESPN on a satirical level, especially if you've seen their "Who is Now?" crap they have been pimping. The thought that they would honor an office athlete isn't far from the truth. And seeing Terry in whiteface is worth the click on it's own. Enjoy!

Homer

Glirk

You're either going to love this or hate it. As for me and my house, we will love it.

Terry Tate Goes on Vacation

Everyone's favorite office linebacker goes on vacation, relaxes a little.

Homer

The Pain Train is Coming...

Just a little something to tide you over until I get the Terry Tate Vacation film up. Enjoy this little trip down memory lane.

Homer

I love a good throwdown

I love passion in writing. There is a level of craftsmanship that is required to accurately convey passion that is difficult to achieve. This is why teachers always try to get students to avoid controversial topics, because their emotion overcomes their reason. But when it's done right it is good fun. The movie Captivity opens this week and Pajiba reviews it here.

I'd post parts of it, but it is such a scathing piece of vitriol, it needs to be read in it's entirety. Enjoy the hate, the film-makers of Captivity seem to have earned it.

Homer

And MY nominees are... (by themo)

1. Most original: "Let's set the record straight" by Care Bear 2/13/07. Care Bear's talks about taking a leak at work and holding his "warm junk"

2. Lamest: Disney Fireworks 11/17/06. The only thing worse than sitting in 110 degree heat and watching fireworks is watching 17 minutes of fireworks on the internet. Sorry Nay.

3. Most Disgusting: Tie between "Apache Kills in Iraq" 12/30/06 and "Ouch" (the burnt penis) 1/1/07. I think I declared my disgust on the kill in Iraq at the time of the post, and I think the penis post doesn't need an explanation.

4. Raunchiest Celebrity Post: "What's the Over Under" 2/19/07 Homer let's loose on Ray Jay and Witney and the role feces will play in their love-making. Sick.

5. Best Video: "Jesco White on Sloppy Eggs" 12/14/06 It makes me crack up, but at the same time it's real. Scary. Great clip.

6. Best Photo: Steve Irwin photo shopped in Happy Gilmore clip 9/6/06. Genius.

7. Best Post: "10 Things I Hate About Commandments" 12/6/06 This wins solely based on the amount of comments it provoked (17). We even got a crazy Born Again calling us all to repentance. It that's not what this blog is all about, I don't know what is.

8. Gayest: Any of the Aziz posts.

9. Best Headline: "I knew it was a bad idea to taunt the nerds" 1/2/07

I Saw Some Funny Pictures...

And thought I'd share. I love the first and last one, for very different reasons of course. The first one's for themo:







And my personal favorite:

Year in Review

Can you believe it? We will be celebrating one year of Vanblogger excellence come July 31st! In honor of the Vanblogger's first birthday we will be holding the fist annual Vanbloggies. The categories are as follows...

1. Most original post.

2. Lamest post.

3. Most disgusting post.

4. Raunchiest celeb related post.

5. Best video.

6. Best photo.

7. Best post of the year.

Tell the Vanblogger who deserves such lauded praise.

Moving Sharon

Every time I clicked on thevanblogger I had to see that hideous picture. I knew I had to find something, so here is some fun, when I saw it I could only think that VG would love it.



Enjoy!

Homer