If you don't laugh at this you're a douche. -vg
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
A Moment of Silence
Is probably less than Kevin DuBrow's home has heard ever. The man could talk, I'll give him that. Apparently the Quiet Riot singer was found dead today in his home. Interesting story: I was in front of DuBrow in line at a Baja Fresh in Las Vegas a few years back. No one approached him or acknowledged him. I felt kinda sorry for him. Anyway, now he's passed on and we have no one willing to pen such classics as, well most of his popular songs were covers so nevermind. Anyway, for me I'll either remember him as the quiet guy in the Baja Fresh or the guy who wrote the line "I want to kiss your lips, not the ones on your face." It's a diliemma...RIP Mr. DuBrow.
Homer
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Shooby
I love Amateur Night at the Apollo. I love it so much, it hurts. And Shooby Taylor, The Human Horn, makes me love it that much more.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Gettin' Ready for the Big House
I found these online while I was looking for pictures of Barry's mistress (she did 'roids with him if I remember correctly). He's obviously foreshadowing his own life as someone's bitch, getting passed around for a carton of Pall Malls. Maybe someone will beat him to death with a broom.
Homer
Go Devils!!! (I'm going to hell)
As we enter the Thanksgiving holiday, I wanted to take a moment to revel in the fantastic year the Sun Devils are having. It just goes to show what a real division one coach can do with talent. This is the exact same team that Koetter underachieved with, and here we are two wins away from the Rose Bowl, or maybe something bigger and better.
Go DEVILS!!!
Homer
Sunday, November 18, 2007
It's the Hap-Happiest Time of the Year!
The holiday season is upon us, and I found some pictures of angels and snowflakes online and felt I had to share. I don't think either of these will grace the top of our bitchin' tree, but they will certainly make our blog more festive (and move us even closer to the rarefied "Super Genius" rating). Have a happy Thanksgiving folks!
Homer
PS - You knew a post like this was coming, right?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Barry Bonds Article.....SA-NAP!
I saw this on CNN.com today, it's from Sports Illustrated. Normally I wouldn't care, but this guy's a prick and I thought it was worthy of the VanBlogger. That's right, bitches, K-Rock has made an appearance on the blog.
Written by Phil Taylor, Sports Illustrated
The day may come that the bars of a prison cell clank shut behind him, and you wonder if, even then, Barry Bonds will admit to the terrible mistake that changed his life. It isn't the error of using performance-enhancing drugs that will have finally done him in, but the fateful miscalculation of lying to the federal government about it.
That's what Bonds now stands accused of doing, indicted on four counts of perjury and one count of obstructing justice for having denied to a grand jury four years ago that he intentionally used steroids. (Granted, an indictment is not a conviction, but if you truly believe Bonds is innocent of using PEDs and then being less than truthful about it, you may be more comfortable in another area of this Web site -- the one labeled Fantasy.)
Bonds is where he is today -- facing the possibility of prison time and probability that his career is over -- not so much because of his dishonesty but because of his hubris. He was arrogant enough to believe he could treat the feds the way he treated the media, the fans and even the commissioner, by essentially waving his hand dismissively and telling them to get lost. But the federal authorities aren't like some obscure middle reliever, overmatched and intimidated by the great Bonds. They have an awfully good record in going up against sports figures, as Michael Vick, Pete Rose, Jamal Lewis and Darryl Strawberry, to name a few who have fought them and lost, could have told him.
Think of how differently Bonds could have played his cards. A shrewder man might have, if not come clean before the grand jury, at least asserted his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. Had Bonds taken the Fifth, he might have faced some token punishment from baseball commissioner Bud Selig, perhaps a brief suspension, that would have long since been over by now. He probably still would have broken the home run record, it's unlikely he would have been facing any legal charges, and he might even still be a San Francisco Giant, which seems to be his fondest wish. Instead, he's unemployed and likely to stay that way, so untouchable now as a free agent that he might as well be radioactive. All because he thought he was untouchable in a different way, immune to the reach of law enforcement.
Maybe his chemically-enhanced muscle fooled Bonds himself even more than the rest of us. Perhaps the nearly superhuman feats he pulled off in the batter's box made him feel he really could do things mere mortals could not, including stare down the judicial system and make a federal investigation go away. Or maybe other factors convinced him of his invincibility. When a friend like Greg Anderson sits in jail rather than incriminate him, when thousands of Giants fans ignore all the evidence of his steroid use and treat him like a hero, it's no wonder Bonds felt he could get away with anything, including treating federal investigators like a bunch of boobs. He made himself a target the day he denied everything under oath, essentially daring the feds to catch him in a lie, and apparently to his surprise, they took him up on it.
Suddenly the rest of it all seems so trivial -- the issue of the asterisk, his Hall of Fame candidacy, the chances of his finding a new team. Soon, when he's fully embroiled in the legal proceedings that seem sure to come, when he's trying to avoid trading in his baseball uniform for a prison jumpsuit, Bonds may look back on all the booing, all the debates about his rightful place in baseball history and see them as the good old days. If he thinks the fans on the road were tough on him, wait until he goes a few more rounds with federal prosecutors.
It's about to get uglier for Bonds, and you wonder if he realizes that, if he understands he is playing a whole new ball game, with much higher stakes. Chances are, he's confident he'll win this one, too. Bonds may be investigated, prosecuted, convicted and even incarcerated, but you are kidding yourself if you think he will ever be humbled.
Written by Phil Taylor, Sports Illustrated
The day may come that the bars of a prison cell clank shut behind him, and you wonder if, even then, Barry Bonds will admit to the terrible mistake that changed his life. It isn't the error of using performance-enhancing drugs that will have finally done him in, but the fateful miscalculation of lying to the federal government about it.
That's what Bonds now stands accused of doing, indicted on four counts of perjury and one count of obstructing justice for having denied to a grand jury four years ago that he intentionally used steroids. (Granted, an indictment is not a conviction, but if you truly believe Bonds is innocent of using PEDs and then being less than truthful about it, you may be more comfortable in another area of this Web site -- the one labeled Fantasy.)
Bonds is where he is today -- facing the possibility of prison time and probability that his career is over -- not so much because of his dishonesty but because of his hubris. He was arrogant enough to believe he could treat the feds the way he treated the media, the fans and even the commissioner, by essentially waving his hand dismissively and telling them to get lost. But the federal authorities aren't like some obscure middle reliever, overmatched and intimidated by the great Bonds. They have an awfully good record in going up against sports figures, as Michael Vick, Pete Rose, Jamal Lewis and Darryl Strawberry, to name a few who have fought them and lost, could have told him.
Think of how differently Bonds could have played his cards. A shrewder man might have, if not come clean before the grand jury, at least asserted his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. Had Bonds taken the Fifth, he might have faced some token punishment from baseball commissioner Bud Selig, perhaps a brief suspension, that would have long since been over by now. He probably still would have broken the home run record, it's unlikely he would have been facing any legal charges, and he might even still be a San Francisco Giant, which seems to be his fondest wish. Instead, he's unemployed and likely to stay that way, so untouchable now as a free agent that he might as well be radioactive. All because he thought he was untouchable in a different way, immune to the reach of law enforcement.
Maybe his chemically-enhanced muscle fooled Bonds himself even more than the rest of us. Perhaps the nearly superhuman feats he pulled off in the batter's box made him feel he really could do things mere mortals could not, including stare down the judicial system and make a federal investigation go away. Or maybe other factors convinced him of his invincibility. When a friend like Greg Anderson sits in jail rather than incriminate him, when thousands of Giants fans ignore all the evidence of his steroid use and treat him like a hero, it's no wonder Bonds felt he could get away with anything, including treating federal investigators like a bunch of boobs. He made himself a target the day he denied everything under oath, essentially daring the feds to catch him in a lie, and apparently to his surprise, they took him up on it.
Suddenly the rest of it all seems so trivial -- the issue of the asterisk, his Hall of Fame candidacy, the chances of his finding a new team. Soon, when he's fully embroiled in the legal proceedings that seem sure to come, when he's trying to avoid trading in his baseball uniform for a prison jumpsuit, Bonds may look back on all the booing, all the debates about his rightful place in baseball history and see them as the good old days. If he thinks the fans on the road were tough on him, wait until he goes a few more rounds with federal prosecutors.
It's about to get uglier for Bonds, and you wonder if he realizes that, if he understands he is playing a whole new ball game, with much higher stakes. Chances are, he's confident he'll win this one, too. Bonds may be investigated, prosecuted, convicted and even incarcerated, but you are kidding yourself if you think he will ever be humbled.
Bear Down Homer!
Christmas came early this year brother. Now all you need is Kansas to fall apart and you will be sitting pretty.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Next Up - Super Genius
Get a Cash Advance
I'd hate for the lot of us to become braggarts, but this is freaking aweseome. I'm not sure what put our blog over the edge into Genius territory, but I have a feeling it has something to do with our dedication to culture and musicianship. And probably also the frequent mention of Salma's boobs.
And yes, this is probably some sort of joke website thingy, but I'm totally taking it to heart, because the VanBlogger is nothing if not an opportunity to point out just how much better we are than everyone else.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Balls Out Awesome
Remember that video of the weird Utah town names to the music of the Beach Boys' Kokomo? This is the site of the douchenheimer that made that video. But his other offerings are the real meat. His film and music video catalog is just plain radical. I won't try to explain it any more than that. I'll let my recommendations do the talking.
Once you go to http://www.utahwolfproductions.com/index.html
select "Productions"
Try:
Challenge of Faith
The Crown
The Tale of Mermaids
Don't Disturb My Lunch
If you try at least one of those you'll be hooked and watch them all.
Once you go to http://www.utahwolfproductions.com/index.html
select "Productions"
Try:
Challenge of Faith
The Crown
The Tale of Mermaids
Don't Disturb My Lunch
If you try at least one of those you'll be hooked and watch them all.
Friday, November 02, 2007
This Just In!!!!
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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