USA! USA! USA!

USA!USA!USA!

That’s right, Homer’s on the Olympic bandwagon still. Deal with it.

1. Michael Phelps – That’s right, suck it world.

2. China – I know that I’ve written some sarcastic shots about China, but the reality is that the government there has gone out of the way to present themselves as a modern industrial nation. Everything looks fantastic at first glance, but the longer people are there seeing what that regime is all about, the worse that it looks. It’s kinda like a stripper working in one of those roadside trucker joints. With the right lighting and make-up, it might look like a woman, but in the cold light of day, or a close inspection, you just aren’t sure. At least that’s what I would assume it is like. Either way it is more fun to write about strippers than it is to comment on a government that continually suppresses their people.

3. Oh, Canada – not only are getting their maple-asses kicked in the Olympics, they are really strange. Apparently there is a new Canadian porn channel that is promising to air at least 50% Canadian porn. According to the founders of this venture, Canadian audiences are tired of watching Americans have sex. I know that porn is a dirty subject and I’m sure I’m dealing in stereotypes here, but does anyone really want to see Canadians getting their freak on? If nothing else their accent will make the usually witty dialogue seem vacuous and trite. Oh well. This is my favorite quote from the article:

"I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff," Shaun Donnelly, president of Real Productions, said during an interview on Friday.

"There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket."

Is this really why Canadians go shopping?

4. Chris Kattan – and his wife of 8 weeks are separating. I guess his ready supply of heroin has run out and she realized she married Chris Kattan instead of a talented member of SNL. Oh, that’s right there aren’t any anymore. My bad.

5. Guitar Hero – is apparently the new devil. Somehow I keep reading about some kid who dropped out of school to play Guitar Hero competitively. Let me wrap my head around this for a second. Okay, got it. My first response is to laugh and teach him the proper response to my order for no onions on my Whopper, but after more reflection I just want the boy, and the ineffectual parents who said it was okay, to try and live on the free value meals he is winning at his local events. Maybe starving would inspire a little more thirst for knowledge.

Homer

Bonus 5

1. The CGI Olympics? – C’mon China, I was down with you stealing and defiling the youth of a generation for the greater glory, but faking the opening ceremonies? What a crock. You know, if your smog is so bad that you can’t see fireworks, you might want to put more of your billions of citizens back to work in sweatshops to save on emissions. I’m so disillusioned, the next thing your are going to tell me is that that little flying elf was hanging from wires and not flying on the dragon wings of his ancestors. Damn it.

2. The Boss? – Isn’t he nearing mandatory retirement age? The hot rumor is that the NFL has hired Bruce Springsteen to play the Super Bowl this year. I know that they are trying to avoid another nipple incident, but shouldn’t they try to get an act that was popular this century? Prince rocked it in the rain, but Tom Petty and Bruce? Last I heard he was cutting his sets down to two and a half hours to avoid breaking a hip.

3. The Retards are angry – with the movie Tropic Thunder. Apparently the film features actors talking about taking handicapped roles in order to win awards. If I was Ben Stiller I’d be nervous, those angry little short-bus riders have super strength.

4. Brittney Spears – has been missing from the blog for a while, but she’s making a comeback. Well, not really, it’s her mom. Not only is she a murderer and a horrific parent, she has a new book coming out. Who knew she could read or write? Good for her, although I’m afraid of how much ghostwriting was needed to translate her monosyllabic grunts into coherent sentences and paragraphs. Whatever her ghost was paid, it wasn’t enough.

5. I've got nothing but this: watch the film and try not to chant USA!USA!USA!



Just kickass!

Homer

I Love This Picture

It takes blasphemy to another level. Which could be construed as a bad thing, but given the traffic here, I'm going to be okay. Since I'm going to hell anyway, here's another one that made me laugh. If you're inclined, find some of your favorites and post 'em up.





Homer

This Things I Believe 8/9

1. Bernie Mac – RIP, I just hope it wasn’t the hare-brained antics of that little sissy on his show that killed him. I was always hoping I’d see the Bernie Mac beat-down happen, but alas, it isn’t going to happen now.

2. Bejing – I know it is the Olympics, but you know this city is a shithole. I actually think it would be healthier to suck fumes straight from the tailpipe of a 1977 El Camino in need of a ring job than to breath the air in that city. And I’m sorry, the whole ‘running around the top of the stadium’ thing was pretty lame after some of the other stuff going on during the opening ceremonies. And tell Visa that this Go World crap has got to go. The chant needs to be USA! USA! USA!

3. John Edwards – Wait a minute, are you really telling me that a politician would cheat on his wife? With someone described as a ‘party girl?’ I’m stunned.

4. Shia LeBouf – Once he loses his finger, are more complex mathematical calculations going to be more difficult for him? I mean, he’s only going to be able to count by nines now, right? Poor bastard.



5. Gay Gaykin – So when is he legally obligated to check the female box on his driver’s license? It has got to be soon, I’d think. He’s about 2 minutes away from driving a mini-van and shopping for some more bon bons to eat while his soaps are on.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones(Douglas?) – According to azcentral.com, Ms. ZJD was consulting psychics on the set of her latest film and utilizing their otherworldly powers to talk to the dead. This is not surprising as I think she is just getting ready for her husband to realize that he is, in fact dead. His corpse just doesn’t realize it yet.

Homer

Are You There God?

It's Me Homer, just asking you to please make the sores on Mike Myers' ass large enough to make him stop writing shitty movies. Seriously, another Austin Powers movie? Outside of Elizabeth Hurley and Heather Graham looking sexy onscreen, is there anything redeeming about these movies? I don't blame Myers, really, it is the studios who are so creatively bankrupt that they are willing to spend money on crap like this, knowing that it is going to suck harder than Patty Kirkpatrick before sweeps week. They'll eke out a profit off of people even more stupid than themselves (hard to believe but true), and eight years from now, they'll cobble together another Austin Powers script and do it all over again.

To borrow from Dennis Leary, how is it that Phil Hartman is dead and Mike Myers is still here? I'm sickened.

Homer