We had a blog named VanBlogger
It died! It died!
We said we'd write regularly
We lied! We lied!
Why oh why is the hilarity dead?
Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?

-Nay (with apologies to Lisa Simpson)

I felt it was appropriate to repost this. Not to get all dramatic, but it is obvious that we aren't going to do this. It was fun. If you want some good laughs, go back and read some of this stuff. There were some fantastically funny posts. My favorite is when Axl Rose posted in our comments. It deserved at least one more GOB picture before fading away. See ya!

Homer

USA! USA! USA!

USA!USA!USA!

That’s right, Homer’s on the Olympic bandwagon still. Deal with it.

1. Michael Phelps – That’s right, suck it world.

2. China – I know that I’ve written some sarcastic shots about China, but the reality is that the government there has gone out of the way to present themselves as a modern industrial nation. Everything looks fantastic at first glance, but the longer people are there seeing what that regime is all about, the worse that it looks. It’s kinda like a stripper working in one of those roadside trucker joints. With the right lighting and make-up, it might look like a woman, but in the cold light of day, or a close inspection, you just aren’t sure. At least that’s what I would assume it is like. Either way it is more fun to write about strippers than it is to comment on a government that continually suppresses their people.

3. Oh, Canada – not only are getting their maple-asses kicked in the Olympics, they are really strange. Apparently there is a new Canadian porn channel that is promising to air at least 50% Canadian porn. According to the founders of this venture, Canadian audiences are tired of watching Americans have sex. I know that porn is a dirty subject and I’m sure I’m dealing in stereotypes here, but does anyone really want to see Canadians getting their freak on? If nothing else their accent will make the usually witty dialogue seem vacuous and trite. Oh well. This is my favorite quote from the article:

"I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff," Shaun Donnelly, president of Real Productions, said during an interview on Friday.

"There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket."

Is this really why Canadians go shopping?

4. Chris Kattan – and his wife of 8 weeks are separating. I guess his ready supply of heroin has run out and she realized she married Chris Kattan instead of a talented member of SNL. Oh, that’s right there aren’t any anymore. My bad.

5. Guitar Hero – is apparently the new devil. Somehow I keep reading about some kid who dropped out of school to play Guitar Hero competitively. Let me wrap my head around this for a second. Okay, got it. My first response is to laugh and teach him the proper response to my order for no onions on my Whopper, but after more reflection I just want the boy, and the ineffectual parents who said it was okay, to try and live on the free value meals he is winning at his local events. Maybe starving would inspire a little more thirst for knowledge.

Homer

Bonus 5

1. The CGI Olympics? – C’mon China, I was down with you stealing and defiling the youth of a generation for the greater glory, but faking the opening ceremonies? What a crock. You know, if your smog is so bad that you can’t see fireworks, you might want to put more of your billions of citizens back to work in sweatshops to save on emissions. I’m so disillusioned, the next thing your are going to tell me is that that little flying elf was hanging from wires and not flying on the dragon wings of his ancestors. Damn it.

2. The Boss? – Isn’t he nearing mandatory retirement age? The hot rumor is that the NFL has hired Bruce Springsteen to play the Super Bowl this year. I know that they are trying to avoid another nipple incident, but shouldn’t they try to get an act that was popular this century? Prince rocked it in the rain, but Tom Petty and Bruce? Last I heard he was cutting his sets down to two and a half hours to avoid breaking a hip.

3. The Retards are angry – with the movie Tropic Thunder. Apparently the film features actors talking about taking handicapped roles in order to win awards. If I was Ben Stiller I’d be nervous, those angry little short-bus riders have super strength.

4. Brittney Spears – has been missing from the blog for a while, but she’s making a comeback. Well, not really, it’s her mom. Not only is she a murderer and a horrific parent, she has a new book coming out. Who knew she could read or write? Good for her, although I’m afraid of how much ghostwriting was needed to translate her monosyllabic grunts into coherent sentences and paragraphs. Whatever her ghost was paid, it wasn’t enough.

5. I've got nothing but this: watch the film and try not to chant USA!USA!USA!



Just kickass!

Homer

I Love This Picture

It takes blasphemy to another level. Which could be construed as a bad thing, but given the traffic here, I'm going to be okay. Since I'm going to hell anyway, here's another one that made me laugh. If you're inclined, find some of your favorites and post 'em up.





Homer

This Things I Believe 8/9

1. Bernie Mac – RIP, I just hope it wasn’t the hare-brained antics of that little sissy on his show that killed him. I was always hoping I’d see the Bernie Mac beat-down happen, but alas, it isn’t going to happen now.

2. Bejing – I know it is the Olympics, but you know this city is a shithole. I actually think it would be healthier to suck fumes straight from the tailpipe of a 1977 El Camino in need of a ring job than to breath the air in that city. And I’m sorry, the whole ‘running around the top of the stadium’ thing was pretty lame after some of the other stuff going on during the opening ceremonies. And tell Visa that this Go World crap has got to go. The chant needs to be USA! USA! USA!

3. John Edwards – Wait a minute, are you really telling me that a politician would cheat on his wife? With someone described as a ‘party girl?’ I’m stunned.

4. Shia LeBouf – Once he loses his finger, are more complex mathematical calculations going to be more difficult for him? I mean, he’s only going to be able to count by nines now, right? Poor bastard.



5. Gay Gaykin – So when is he legally obligated to check the female box on his driver’s license? It has got to be soon, I’d think. He’s about 2 minutes away from driving a mini-van and shopping for some more bon bons to eat while his soaps are on.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones(Douglas?) – According to azcentral.com, Ms. ZJD was consulting psychics on the set of her latest film and utilizing their otherworldly powers to talk to the dead. This is not surprising as I think she is just getting ready for her husband to realize that he is, in fact dead. His corpse just doesn’t realize it yet.

Homer

Are You There God?

It's Me Homer, just asking you to please make the sores on Mike Myers' ass large enough to make him stop writing shitty movies. Seriously, another Austin Powers movie? Outside of Elizabeth Hurley and Heather Graham looking sexy onscreen, is there anything redeeming about these movies? I don't blame Myers, really, it is the studios who are so creatively bankrupt that they are willing to spend money on crap like this, knowing that it is going to suck harder than Patty Kirkpatrick before sweeps week. They'll eke out a profit off of people even more stupid than themselves (hard to believe but true), and eight years from now, they'll cobble together another Austin Powers script and do it all over again.

To borrow from Dennis Leary, how is it that Phil Hartman is dead and Mike Myers is still here? I'm sickened.

Homer

Back to Five

As baseball, and the first-place Diamondbacks, head into the stretch run, here are the five things turning over in my mind today.

1. I thought that I would do this in a separate post, but you know, every time I wrote something it came out creepy and kinda gross, so I just thought I'd throw my answers to the list question in the last post out here, in no particular order (I could only really come up with three, with photographic evidence):

A. Kate Beckinsale - C'mon, you knew this.




B. Megan Fox - Dumb? Probably. Distractingly hot? Yep.




C. Jennifer Connolly - Really, she is Megan Fox version 1 (or would Megan be Jennifer 2.0?), but smarter and prettier.




2. Amy Winehouse - is receiving blood deliveries at home. Funny how her being a cracked out vampire is actually a step up from her recent appearances. It would explain a bunch, but I guess I'll step up and volunteer to drive a stake in her heart. I can only hope that a stake would do the job, as I'm not convinced she's not a zombie at this point.

3. K-Fed - is getting $20,000 a month in child support to go along with primary custody of his kids. How is he going to make ends meet? Of course he does get about a quarter a month in record company residuals. PopoZao baby!

4. Tom Cruise - is going to continue our discussion of destitute celebrities. Apparently, Maverick is going to have to start considering taking film roles where he won't get his standard $20 million paycheck. How is he going to lure Xenu here back to earth without buckets of gold? I think I'll send him a shiny nickel, you know just to help him out.

5. Whoopie Goldberg - is now claiming that she has had over fifty lovers in her life. Excuse me while I throw up. Okay, I'm back now, I can only suppose that crack goggles are far more effective than beer goggles, because I would literally have to be comatose to not become violently ill at the thought of Whoopie and her gigantic vag (according to Sam Malone). A quick note: I saw Whoopie at a casino in Lake Tahoe about twenty years ago, she had her row of quarter slots cordoned off so no one could approach her. Hey Whoopie, if you are going to be such a cheap bastard, don't get all upset when a slot jocky wants to bum a smoke off of you, okay?

The Dark Five

1. The List – I was reading one of my favorite sites the other day when they were asking their readers about which celebrities they’d like to “date.” It was kind of serendipitous due to the fact that I was just commiserating with themo about how Chow Young Fat had fallen off of hers. So, my little Vanbloggies, who makes the cut in 2008? Think about it and let’s see the results.

2. Ferris Bueller – Allegedly cheated on his wife. Look, I’m not going to excuse adultery, but since Sarah is only marginally human, shouldn’t we give Ferris a break here? I mean, how many times does the paper bag have to rip before he just buys Sarah a new saddle blanket and moseys back into town for some lovin?

3. Brooke Hogan – is supposedly considering posing nude for Playboy. I haven’t read the Bible lately, isn’t this another sign of the apocalypse?

4. X-Files – Wouldn’t this second sequel have been better oh, about eight years ago? Who did Gillian Anderson have to seduce in order for her to get some work?

5. Russia – Uncle Joe would be proud. Russia has just started cracking down on gothic/emo websites and dress. I get that the little emo sissies are annoying and even deserve the scorn and derision of an entire nation, but do we really need to ship them off to the gulags? On second thought, a little hard work would be good for them. Can I organize a little involuntary trip for some of the losers I see at the mall?


Homer

Overwhelmed

So I went and saw the new Batman movie this weekend, and quite frankly I don't know what to say about it other than wow. To be honest it was a little overwhelming in it's ambition, is it a comic book movie or or a kick-ass action/drama that happens to feature a dude in a bat-suit? I can't really say, but it was really good. So I guess the question is, have any of you Vanbloggers seen it yet? What did you think?

Homer

The Homer of July

So Homer went on vacation without the laptop and consequently, he’s rusty as hell. Oh well. Anyway, here’s five things poking my brain.

1. Arizona State – was recently ranked as the #1 school for athletics by Sports Illustrated. The 2007-2008 sports seasons were great for the Sun Devils, so suck it Mildcat fans.

2. Brett Fav….I’m not even going to finish his name. He just flat out needs to shut his pie hole and stay in Mississippi. Go hunt, or fish, or burn crosses, or whatever the hell they do down there, just stay the hell off of my television. Maybe he can get distracted by the stray Oxycontin pill that rolled under his entertainment center.

3. The Ferret – that lives on top of Bret Michaels’ head is back! In case you didn’t know, Rock of Love will be back for a third installment. I’m starting to think that maybe Bret doesn’t take this too seriously. Maybe this time they can mix things up by relaxing the stringent casting guidelines; you know, Bret just can’t have anything in common with all of the scientists and engineers that they have been casting the past couple of seasons.

4. In more shocking news – Andy Dick was arrested for fondling a 17 year old girl. A girl. Wow, who woulda thunk?

5. Two and a Half Men – received another Emmy nomination today. Do the voters even have televisions? Or is it all a grand scheme of retribution against Denise Richards (which I’d actually be alright with)? At least 30 Rock got a nomination, Alec Baldwin is just a damn genius.



Well, that’s it for today kids, does anyone know when the new Batman movie comes out? I haven’t heard a thing.

Homer

I see your you tube skills K-rock and raise you one...-VG

Charlie bit my finger - again !

This video is hilarious, plus you can't beat a little kid with a British accent.

K-Rock

Homer's Great Films #2

Old School



I’ve tried to write this post on Old School about twenty times. Each time it comes off like a bad freshman film student trying to impress his teacher (who invariably wears black, smokes cloves, and has an office filled with posters for 1950’s French films). They were trash. I’ll keep this simple: Old School is a great movie for three main reasons:

1. Frank the Tank – Still the single greatest role that Will Farrell has had. Frank is base, crude, and only one drink away from becoming a human Barney Gumble. Hell, his Trans Am was called the Red Dragon. His mournful adieu to Blue should be the only version of “Dust in the Wind” allowed to be broadcast in the United States.

2. Supporting Cast: Juliet Lewis, Vince Vaughn, Andy Dick, and Craig Kilborn: all fantastic. This might be the only role that Lewis has ever been good at: a dirty, sleazy sex-addict. The pledges and the Mitch’s co-workers were all perfectly cast as well.

3. Smart Script: Don’t mistake the ridiculous plot and genre for stupidity. The writing is clever and quick. Many of the jokes are played broadly, but that does not detract from the humor of the film. As Spinal Tap taught us, there is a fine line between stupid and clever and Old School walks that line expertly.

In the spirit of simplicity, I'll close by saying, Old School isn’t a classic slice of cinema, but it is a great damn movie.

This Things I Believe 6/19

1. Jennifer Aniston – needs the Garth Algar version of reality hitting her in the face. She allegedly did not want to appear on the cover of some magazine with Jennifer Connelly due to the fact that she (Aniston) needed to be the dominant ‘sexy’ one on the cover. Look, I get that Aniston standing next to Connelly is somewhat akin to Brittney Spears standing next to a steaming pile of shit. There is just no win for Aniston or Spears there, but that is no reason to deny the rest of the world more magazine covers with people who look like Jennifer Connelly. Someday Aniston will recover from being left by Pitt, it’s just not going to change the fact that her once cute shtick has been played and she just needs to go away and keep humping somewhat talented pseudo-elephant men like Vince Vaughn and John Mayer while keeping her eyes closed and pretending she’s still on television and it really is Brad on top.

2. Vegas – With the economy in the shitter, Vegas is complaining about their revenues dipping to $12.4 billion this year. Gee, that’s too bad. Does this mean that they are going to drop their room rates? Well, since the average room rate is down 4%, I guess that’s like asking if they will at least kiss you before you go to the tables. I don’t think that Steve Wynn is losing any of the gold his house is made of, but it is kind of nice to see that vice can take a hit in this economy too. Next thing you know Vegas will just be a town with six or seven bingo halls and a collection of rotting buildings. Kind of like the end of The Stand, but with more homeless whores. Well, that might be going too far.

3. Anne Hathaway – I’m seeing a lot of this freak lately, due to her involvement with the new Get Smart movie, and quite frankly she scares me a little. I still don’t get why she didn’t get the role of the Joker in the new Batman movie. She’d have been a shoe in; no acid bath scene or make-up for her face needed, it is all natural. I haven’t been that frightened by someone’s grille since, well, ever. Not even the Big Book of British Smiles is that horrific.

4. Megan Fox – apparently might be smarter than we gave her credit for, which admittedly wouldn’t be very hard. She has been seen without her engagement ring on, which can only lead me to the assumption that she figured out that her fiancé won it off of an eBay 90210 prop auction. Of course labeling either of these two pinheads as ‘smart’ is like calling the latest Larry the Cable Guy movie ‘engaging,’ or ‘witty,’ or ‘not as shitty as it could have been,’ well you get the point.

5. Tom Cruise – is on the downward slope. Finally. It has taken a remarkable convergence of events, but we are all going to be spared his tight, slightly homicidal grin when he tries to pretend that everyone on the set of Mission: Impossible 4 just loved his contribution to the Human Fund in lieu of Christmas gifts. I don’t want to see that vacuous bag of wind anywhere until he’s old enough to do cameos as Old Man Winter in the new Mr. Plow commercial.

Homer

Fatass!

Apparently, in spite of the fact she feels she is too good in bed to learn to cook, Kate feels she has a big, flabby butt. It must be a burden being her. Sometimes celebrities just need a giant cup of STFU.

Homer

This Things I Believe 6/11

Homer hasn’t forgotten the VanBlogger. Here are some thoughts from the last week:

1. Fascinating Fact of the Day – Amy Winehouse is only 24 years old. I’d put a picture of her up, but we need to keep crap like that off the blog. I can’t imagine the odds in Vegas against her seeing her 26th birthday. At this point the only thing she’s needs to do to hit rock bottom is to get a Tyson-esqe face tattoo. It could only help.

2. Brad Pitt = George Costanza? – Apparently so. Acting is his job, but architecture is his passion. He is allegedly going to help design a building in Europe. I hope they call it the Vandelay Building before it collapses.

3. Pamela Anderson – Is back in the news, not for accidentally killing someone with her latest set of breasts, but for selling her Viper for charity. It’s good to know what her nickname for Tommy’s junk is before she unloads it anyway.

4. Tori Spelling – Spawned again. And I keep hearing about it. I’m starting to feel like the ancient Israelites must have felt in the Old Testament. What have we done to piss you off God? Can we sacrifice a small horse, or maybe Sarah Jessica Parker to you for forgiveness? (I heard a radio guy give the news on this the other day – he said that witnesses reported that the baby has her father’s eyes and her mother’s hooves and shiny mane.)

5. Patty Kirkpatrick – Forgive me, but will someone please attach a warning to Channel 3’s HD ads featuring her and the loser who can only cover polygamists? Holy Hell, they scared the shit out of me last night as I was watching television. I keep hearing about how HD is going to drive out the remaining ugly people in local news. We’ve got some work to do here in the Valley, I’m hitting D’Amico’s place first.

6. Apparently Paul Newman is Dying – Gee, what was the first clue? The fact that he’s 83? I mean cancer sucks and all, but really, once you hit 80 if it isn’t one thing it is going to be something else. Spare me the ‘tragic’ talk here too. He’s probably still burning a cig while he’s sipping Newman’s Own juice and having money fights with Joanne Woodward. Tough life, I think I’ll spend my sympathy elsewhere.

7. Why the hell didn’t I pick Winehouse and Newman in my death pool? You hear that Goodman, you crazy doughnut eating dyke?

8. Mel Gibson – What happened? From Braveheart to Brittney mentor? Look, unless you’re calling her Sugar-tits and knocking back Mochiatos in an orgy of cream, coffee, and sugar, why would anyone want to spend more than 3 minutes talking to this girl? She’s ugly, talent-less, and stupid. She makes Jessica Simpson appear to have average intelligence. Even in disgrace and old age Mel can pull better than this Louisiana shit stain.

9. New Ideas – Are on their way to the blog. At least I think so. Check it out tomorrow.

10. Iron Man was very cool. He would have been cooler if the Sabbath song would have played continuously for the entire movie, but it was still a kick-ass movie.

Weezer - Pork And Beans

Fan damn tastic.

lolnay says: I Can Has Opinions Too?

The Happening? Yeah that movie looks freaky, but good freaky. I think I can go see it. Or maybe rent it, because I'll probably need to fast forward past the part with the old people. I hate old people. I don't know if this is a spoiler or not (sorry if it is), but I can handle extreme violence when it's not related to the Debbil. The IMDB message boards related to this movie are hilarious, as usual, by the way. According to most of the movie nerds who post there, 98% of the posters and their viewpoints are "gay". That's a lot of gay.

The Simpsons is in its 20th season. And still going. I think we can all agree, Hillary Clinton is not the only one who doesn't know how to bow out gracefully. It's time.

Bo Diddley dies. I know somehow, in some way, I'm supposed to care about this, because he's a legend or whatever, but the truth is, I really don't get why it's making news on TMZ and other gossip blogs. Unless he's boinking Katie Holmes or releasing a line of designer jeans with Heidi Montag, keep it to the AP.

Tatum O'Neal is in the news. I'm sorry, did I miss something, or are Has-Beens the new Are-Nows? What's Kristy McNichol up to these days? How about Denise Richa.... oh never mind. I give up.

This Things I Believe 6/2

I love this title, so I am going to continue to use it.

1. Scrap Gold – I have been seeing commercials for this for the past couple of years, but with the economy going in the tank and gold going through the roof, this ‘industry’ is becoming more and more visible. I don’t get it, I mean really unless you are a ghoul, raiding graves by yanking teeth of the dead and such, there is no such thing as “scrap gold.” C’mon, it’s fucking gold, by definition you don’t scrap it.

2. It’s Always Sunny in Phoenix – but it isn’t nearly as offensive or funny as Philadelphia. CB and Nay bought me the first season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for my birthday and quite frankly, I don’t know if I have ever seen a television show that revels in it’s offensiveness quite so much as this show. There is at least one moment of “did they really just say that?” in every episode. I was appalled, that I haven’t been watching.

3. The merciful end – of the Van Halen IV tour happens tonight. Just go away Ed, just preserve what dignity you have left (if there is any). I’m glad that I saw it, it was a fun time to go to Vegas and hang out with my friend, but Ed needs to either practice or stay holed up in his studio with a bottle of Smoking Loon.

4. The NBA Finals are set – and does anyone give a damn? I would care more if the Suns were in the finals, but really I guess I’m that out of touch with the sporting world because if they told me they would have to cancel the finals because of another crooked ref, I wouldn’t even blink an eye.

5. Do the Suns have a coach yet? – I am more than willing to throw my hat into the ring. I would bring a defensive approach (Tarkanian’s “Amoeba” Defense is amazing) and would fire Doris Meow. If nothing eles, I can cash the hell out of those checks, making me just as effective as Shaq at this point.

This Things I Believe

1. Memorial Day – Has always been one of my favorite holidays. It kicks off the summer, but it also is a reminder for us all to remember those who have made our lazy, narcissitic society to be as lazy and self-involved as we want to be.

2. “Ewan McGregor Will Not Do ‘Porno’” – Was the headline on AZCentral earlier this week. I could only imagine Nay jumping off of a cliff. Sorry Nay.

3. Lindsay Lohan is Gay – Wow, what a shocker. What was the first clue? Oh yeah, those pictures of her kissing a really ugly girl. I don’t understand lesbians. I mean I get the attraction to the female form, but why do they always date chicks that look like dudes? I mean if I were gay, I’d want to date a good looking dude, of course then people would talk about him and his questionable taste in men, creating a vicious circle of hate, prompting some lame blog post.

4. Bill Murray – is a wife-beating alcoholic. Will the shocks never cease? I’m just curious as to why there aren’t provisions in celebrity pre-nups prohibiting the airing of dirty laundry lest there be no financial settlement. That would make sense, or at least more sense than Bill Murray being on the news in 2008. I know we'll hear about Bill's upcoming stint in rehab until I'm ready to feed him to a gopher, so I'll say it in advance: Go back to hell Bill Murray.

5. Finally, Wednesday was the 10th anniversary of the the tragic shooting death of Phil Hartman. What a waste, I had a whole rant prepared to discuss the petty whore who killed him, but I’ll let it go. RIP Mr. Hartman.

Homer

Homer's 5

Hey, Homer here, stealing someone’s wireless router for the moment, so I thought I’d post a moving-delayed Big 5:

1. Carmen’s Last Stand – Happened on the cover of this month’s Cosmopolitan. She’s been looking really rough lately, so whatever the Photoshop Wizards had to do is appreciated. No, this is an older picture of Carmen, but you get the idea.

2. Rockies Suck – Yes they do. But even better is the fact that their stadium is one of the worst in MLB when it comes to sanitation. 16 vermin citations in 2007. I knew there were rats on the team, Culo-witzki I’m looking at you, I just didn’t know that they were in the kitchen as well (that’s right, I used a Spanish swear word, 3 years of high school Spanish weren’t wasted on me).

3. The Hills – Someone please explain this shit to me. I need some sort of logical explanation as to why my inter-web is infested with pictures of these ass-hats. The only time that I need to see a picture of Spencer is after his corpse has been ravened in a rabid weasel attack. The weasel-king needs to smack his own.

4. Spy-Gate – This week marked the end of the NFL’s spying controversy. I object to the term Spy-Gate, as it seems more than slightly ludicrous that we could equate the Patriots spying on the Jets and the rest of the league with a controversy that brought down the President of the United States. Many pundits are complaining; I would like to see the pundits work for a living.

5. Hillary Wins! – In another meaningless contest. Go away harpy, I think your husband is snorting powdered sugar off of a stripper’s ass. Again.

6. Damn, those Germans just get it – I believe the term is schadenfreude. It is taking delight in the miseries of others. And I am feeling it today. Coach-Strangler and all-around a-hole Latrell Spreewell is apparently in some serious financial difficulties. Too bad, this is the same guy who turned down a three-year, $21 million dollar contract that he found ‘insulting’ a few years back. He hasn’t played in the NBA since. Maybe he can find work assaulting puffy white guys, but I figure that market is being cornered by Pac-Man Jones.

7. Mr. and Mrs. Ashlee Simpson – I’ve been trying to figure out who exactly got the better of this union, and it seems to be the exact opposite of Brangelina, a perfect storm of no-talent, unattractive people. Someone kill their offspring before it is allowed to find new depths of the gene pool.

8. Finally, it is a terrible day for closeted gay men. Mike Piazza, he of the world’s worst (or best, it depends on your point of view) prison-pussy, has decided to retire. Or, more correctly, the forces of the free market decided it for him. Maybe he can hold another presser to reiterate his hetero-ness, just for old time’s sake.

Not for Renee

Sometimes at work people send these motivational poster things around and they're almost always funny. This is my favorite for the moment...

Guys backflip into jeans

I'd be afraid of junk injuries.

Homer's Big 5 - The New Home

1. Death of a Blog – No, this is not another “Oh, I’m so sad the vanblogger’s dead” post, but rather my other blog will be going on hiatus. It is too bad too, because that means that thevanblogger will be the recipient of all of my new nonsensical posts. Like the big five stories of the week (which were a weekly posting of sorts over on the other place).

2. Death to Asston Kuchar – or whatever his name is. Has he done anything of worth outside of Kelso? Punk’d was tolerable until people figured out what he was doing, but if you are going to play a single character for your entire career, it should really have more substance than some Milwakee stoner. Everyday that Bruce Willis doesn’t kick the hell out of him, leaving him a bloody mess in a Hollywood gutter, he should just count as a blessing from God.

3. Is Speed Racer the result of a Satanic Pact? That is the only explanation that I can come up with for the creation of this shit-fest. Let’s run down the Wachowski Brothers track record for a second shall we? The Matrix trilogy (the first one makes the existence of the other two okay, or at least tolerable), a seriously underrated V for Vendetta and then Speed Racer? The only plausible explanation is that they are making Speed Racer to pay the devil off for their successes in exchange for letting them make a couple of really good movies and letting Larry keep his junk intact.

4. Brandon Webb – continues to bitch-slap the National League. That is all.

5. Travel Writers Cheat? I don’t know if any of you have heard about this, but apparently there is a good deal of controversy going around about a gentleman who wrote for Lonely Planet guidebooks, who apparently wrote about a country he had never visited. Amazing how that works, huh? Hey can I sign up for that too? I’ll take your money and never go anywhere too. I want to pretend to go to Russia. I think it’d be bitchin’, and expensive.

Wow, I Never Want to Meet the Guy

Who buys this. The original comment I saw with this was "a remote control and birth control device all rolled into one." I have nothing to add to this. Anyone willing to spend $2200 on this needs to be neutered, but really, they are doing a good job of that on their own.

Homer

Underwater Welding for CB

Your Daily Dose of Dio

Thank me later,

Homer

Hell yeah!

Homer

We're On Our Way

Am I making it Appointment Television? Yes.

This. is. serious.

I love my brother... -VG

Another tuff day at the office? Indeed.... On the way home CB informed me that he had spent the last hour of work shaking up a hornets nest on the Denver Post. See, what we have here is a classic example of the van clans love of good baseball and superior sarcasm. CB writing under the name of "Rockies Hater" wrote the following sending the fine citizen of the mile high city into a tizzy fit.....

"First of all, let me congratulate your precious Troy Tulowitzki on a stellar 2008. I'm sure he's got his mouth shut now... especially after that little run-in with Upton earlier this season. A rookie calling out another rookie. Hahahaha! It's also interesting that Brandon Webb has more RBI than Tulowitzki. Good lord, what are you paying this kid for? His mouth? Hell, give me a bat and I might be able to accidentally hit .149. I sure as hell could get 0 RBI.

Secondly. Getting shut-out at Petco. Awesome. Can you imagine how your Rockies feel going in to San Diego after lucking their way in to the playoffs last year? There's earning a playoff spot and then there's getting in via a blown call.

Honestly, though, it must be painful to have to swallow the words of Eric Byrnes. You guys really were just lucky. It's delightful to watch. Your luck has run out and your record can't help but show that.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Diamondbacks are at the top of the Division, looking to win another series in just a couple of minutes here. Our batch of young talent seems to have actually gotten better over the winter.

Will the D-Backs have a slide this year. Sure. At some point. Will the Rox wake up. Sure. At some point. But these first few weeks are quite telling. And yes, my D-Backs got swept out last year by this team. I can handle that. We played poorly that series. But if you're going to point to that series as any kind of response to this post then you should also point out getting swept yourselves.

I have as many World Series wins as the Rockies. So do the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes last year, Rockies fans.

Again, congratulations on the season. And to think there's only 5 1/2 months left to go."

CB's Weight Loss Party Is Under "Weigh"

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm so badradical. Anyhow. How's everyone doing? Yesterday I was satisfied all the way up to my lunch hour and then Brandt took me to a delicious place for lunch that ended up eating all but 0.5 of my points. So I had a vegetable dinner. I think the hardest part for me will be cutting down on the snacking in the evening hours. That seems to be my Waterloo.

Step Brothers Trailer

Okay, first, I'll own up. It's not C. Thomas Reilly, it's John C. Reilly, but it is C. Thomas Howell, except C. Thomas Howell is not in this movie. Which is too bad, because it looks hilarious, and I think Ponyboy in blackface could only add to the awesomeness.

Is anyone else just so NOT sick of these movies yet? I could watch them all day. Even if they do give us full-frontal male nudity when we least expect it.

Very interesting

This article is long but it is well worth your time. Basically, the Washington Post took America's best violinist and had him play a busy train station terminal in Washington. A well crafted article with good insight on our appreciation of the arts. Not condescending at all, but does make you think...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

CB's Weight loss Party

...or would that be weightloss party? Who cares?

Anyway, me and the Nay have had some very casual conversation about how we'd like to shed a few. For instance, did you know that when the CB started at Chase he came in at a cool 175 and is now at least 230?

So here it is. I plan on doing Weight Watchers. Counting points seems to be a reasonable diet plan for me since I tend to enjoy all kinds of food. I just need to learn to enjoy them in moderation.

So I'm putting it out there. Who else wants in? I'll probably start very soon, but I don't have a specific time nailed down because I wanted to see if anyone else wanted to party down with me (us).

Feelings!

I found this online, I'm sure it is old, but damn it is great. Anyway, which emotion did Steven express when Kelly LeBrock left him? I'm betting wistful.

Homer

Sit Down and Take a Deep Breath VG

I saw this tonight on the interweb:

Sex tapes come and sex tapes go, some of them suck, and some of them blow. But there's a new sex tape that probably does all of the above and more. According to AOL Latino Musica, there is a Shakira sex tape that involves her, her boyfriend, Antonio de la Rúa, and Spanish singer-songwriter, Alejandro Sanz. That's right, a Shakira sex tape threesome! How's that for caliente? Sound too good to be true? Well, it would sound better if it was two girls and one guy, instead of the other way around, but according to the report, the sex tape is being held as evidence in a trial against Sanz, which basically means it totally exists (even though both singers deny it).

A home-made tape could involve Spanish singer-songwriter Alejandro Sanz, Colombian pop diva Shakira and her boyfriend, Antonio de la Rúa, in sexual intercourse together aboard a yacht owned by Sanz.

According to Internet portal Infobae.com, the tape is being held by the prosecutors evaluating the case against Carlos González and his wife, Sylvia Alzate, Sanz ex-employees who are accused of extortion against the artist.

In a recent interview, Javier Ceriani, host of the radio show "Zona Cero", said "there's word of a private video taped in a yacht, which could involve Alejandro Sanz, Shakira and Antonio de la Rúa, but this material is in the prosecutors' hands".

He stated that, according to the prosecutor, "if some of this tape's content would be made public, it could seriously threaten the singer and couple's private life".
Yup, the bar for celebrity sex tapes has just been set that much higher. You hear that Lindsay? A plain old vanilla sex tape just isn't going to cut it anymore. You either go big, or go home.

I guess I know what VG wants for Christmas huh?

Homer

What the Hell Happened???

I'll make this confession to any who don't know:

I love Rock of Love.

Bret Michaels and the ferret that lives on his head is fantastic television. There are psuedo-whores, real whores, and all manner of freak who vie for the 'opportunity' to date a washed up hair-band singer whose hair he gets in bulk discount. Talk about fun! Anyway, the freak this season is this 'Daisy' gal (which apparently isn't her real name) who is Oscar DeLaHoya's niece. She looks like a clown who was in some sort of industrial fire. Her face is sliding off, and the rest of her is plastic. She's just a mess, and Bret spends no less that five minutes of every show talking about how hot she is, which just shows you the sliding scale that musicians have for their groupies.

Anyway, here is a pre-whoredom picture of Daisy where she looks almost human. What happened to her? Did she lose a bet? Get caught in a fire? Or is Bret's saliva (among other things) that toxic? And let's not go crazy and say she's attractive in that particular picture, she just doesn't look as shitty.

Your disturbing post of the day,

Homer

It's Learnin' Time!

So how is it that it takes me a year to find this wonderful learning tool? Who needs a dictionary now? I know that the Vanilla Gorilla doesn't.

T&A isn't just for objectification anymore!

Homer

Kids In the Hall - Old Yeller conclusion-vg

Hee hee, I love the internet

Please God....

Make it fucking stop. Seriously, just make her go away. I'll go to church more diligently; I'll stop swearing and burning Paris Hilton in effigy. Whatever it takes.


Outside of a bunch of homosexual males with mommy issues, who cares about Madonna anymore? And no one, not even her husband wants to see that snatch again. There was a time, what about 25 years ago now, where she was considered controversial, relevant and kinda sexy (in a dirty $5 whore kinda way). Ever since she's been chasing publicity like Brittney Spears rooting around her car for stray Cheetos.

It is bad enough that this haggard skank infects the world with her musical product, we need our vision polluted with the album art as well? If you look closely, you can see the reinforcement needed to keep her junk under control. As disgusting as this picture is, just imagine it without the magic of the Photoshop wizards. Just imagining it makes my genitals angry with me.

Ugh, I've got to find some sites with Kate Beckinsale pictures or something; purge the optic nerves.

Homer

PS - This was originally posted on my other blog, but it felt VanBlogger worthy.

Was Freddy Gay? -VG

the best -vg

A Tribute to Breasts

You all know I don't have a problem with breastfeeding. You do what you have to do to avoid the cost of formula, and I'll even admit that breastfeeding is a bonding experience between mother and child that is difficult to match. It isn't an easy thing to do, but I felt it was worth the time to learn, and I'm glad I kept at it.

That being said, this video made me want to vomit. I know, I know. Breastfeeding is normal and natural, and maybe I need to grow up, blah blah blah, but this was just weird. Let's just say, I'll be damned if I let CB take a vacation picture with Little H hanging on my boob as we overlook the Grand Canyon.

And the one where the kid (not baby, KID) is just sort of lipping the boob as she sits at the computer keyboard?? Weird. Weird. Weird.

Hey look, we're at the zoo, and we're behaving just like those monkeys who have no sense of modesty or decency. Pin a rose on my nipple.

My favorite part might be the Alien Baby wearing the shirt that says "Formula is for Pussies". So THAT'S what I'm supposed to do with all these free samples of Infamil?! I was wondering how I'd combat the vaginal dryness that comes postpartum. Thanks for the advice, ugly infant.

Congratulations Boob Advocate. You're giving your baby the gift of health. And the gift of getting your son's butt kicked daily when he hits junior high and someone in his grade finds this video posted for all the world to see. What a fabu mom. I just hope all that extra DHA and ARA you gave your kid when he was 4 helps to cushion his brain when he's bombarded with relentless teasing from his peers because mom decided to show everyone how much her litte boy likes to suck on teet while sitting on the train.

Get a Hooter Hider. It works just as well whether you're in national parks, at the park, in the waiting room, on a train, in the rain, in a house, with a mouse, in box, or with a fox. Just cover up a little. I promise your boobs produce just as much choline when they aren't on public display.

P.S. This video is probably NSFW, but I bet you could get someone from La Leche League to argue your job back if you need them to.

Hey Bond - STFU!!

So I'm minding my own business the other day, just reading the news on azcentral.com when I come across this horrifying headline:

Daniel Craig wants to record Bond theme

Talk about horrifying. Look, hasn't William Shanter taught us enough about the pain associated with actors trying to sing? Does this scenario ever end well? I applaud Daniel Craig and his efforts to resurrect the Bond franchise from stupid film-makers, but someone needs to remind Daniel that his strength is in looking good and letting bad guys rack him in the nads, leave the singing to the professionals. Like Britney Spears. Wait, nevermind Mr. Craig, I take it all back.

Homer

Damn bro, mix in some fiber

Here is a fun video. The guy looks like he needs to take a crap that will literally kill him, but he is bringing the classical pain. A strange and humbling video from a musical perspective.

Homer

radicool

i found it, cb

Comedy Gold!

Replay video | Share video | Watch more videos

I know this is a bad copy, but watch the whole thing, you won't be disappointed. Jean Claude Van Damme is my hero. Or maybe not.

Homer

Thank *ME* Later

I know it's not a contest, but here is some great fun, from William Shanter's new album, with Henry Rollins. Enjoy!!!

Homer

you can all thank me later -VG

Great Story - WWII Content

I'm not saying a word today about the Mildcats finishing in seventh place in the pac-10. No today's first post is about a great story I read and wanted to share. No snarkyness, just a dude getting shot down.

Read the story here.

Okay, back to the bitchiness.

Homer

this made me sick

more wow

how do you figure this out?

whoa

Indians. What the hell. And this guys dancing. What the hell. It's worth it to let it buffer by pressing pause for a minute and then play it. wow.

I <3 Jimmy Kimmel

In case you haven't already seen Jimmy's strength after Sarah's infidelity, check it out...
~gassy

This cracked my ass up

for care bear

little ricky's coctail drums

...and you know how those Symbionese girls are

Maybe it's the good girl gone bad, but Patty Hearst is wicked hot. Back in the day and even now even though she's 120 years old. So I'd like to offer a Vanblogger challenge. Who's your bad boy/bad girl dish? The rule here being that they have to be a criminal, not a musician or actor that got busted for something.



By the way, don't you think Rachael Leigh Cook would make a very convincing Tania in the movie version? I'm just saying...

Exposed Again

I know you have your title and such, but getting swept by ASU? What is going on down there in northern Mexico? Did Jordan Hill go to class on accident? I'm confused, but so far ASU is 3-0 against UA in 2007-2008. Sorry WPVG, James Brown couldn't help you.

Homer

my inspiration - vg wp

Great American Idol Clip

Enjoy!

Homer

The exploding whale, possibly the best idea/video ever

-VG

Does this effectively display my thunder?

I don't quite know what to think about this, but I found this today:

'Arrested Development' Film Plans Move Forward

Arrested DevelopmentJason Bateman has confirmed plans are underway for a movie version of canceled TV sitcom Arrested Development. A rumored meeting between the star and series creator Mitch Hurwitz late last year fueled speculation a big-screen adaptation of the cult show was in the pipeline.

And now the star has confirmed the cast has received calls from executives asking if they would be interested in reviving their roles once the ongoing Hollywood writers strike is over.

He tells E! News, "I can confirm that a round of sniffing has started. Any talk is targeting a post-strike situation, of course. I think, as always, that it's a question of whether the people with the money are willing to give our leader, Mitch Hurwitz, what he deserves for his participation. And I can speak for the cast when I say our fingers are crossed."

Could this be good? Dare I hope?

Homer

Biz's Beat of the Day

As many of you know, I am absolutely OBsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba. I love this show. I'm sending it a Valentine. Pooks could take it or leave it, but I choose to ignore the fact that she is playing with puzzles in the other room while I'm sitting on the couch watching intently.

I saw Biz Markie (ohhh baby yoooou, you got what I neeeeeed) on and could not stop thinking about how much I LOVE this show. So for those of you with jobs or lives or whatever who don't get their daily fix of Yo Gabba Gabba, this is for you.

P.S. Biz was going to be my Lamaze coach but he had a prior engagement - Being Too Awesome.

Sarah Silverman + Matt Damon = The F Word

Posted in spirit by TheMo

Who wants some electric bassoon? -VG

I win -VG

If you need to know anything else, I can be reached at 1-800-366-9699 ext 73442.

In the spirit of 80's rock interviewing...

stay to the end and you might get a little "drop dead legs" -VGWP

I Love Dana

Dana Jacobson is my new hero. I must say I even love her. Dana is an ESPN host who at a recent Mike and Mike Celebrity Roast staggered out on stage with a bottle of vodka and allegedly said, "Fuck Notre Dame, Fuck Touchdown Jesus."

The only thing that would make Dana even more attractive to me is if she were to stab Skip Bayless in the throat on Cold Pizza when she gets back from her week-long suspension.

She's not on my new list (a post in progress) but damnit, she made a strong play.

Homer

In the Interest of Fairness

I realize the photo I used with the previous post was a bit racy, so here is some equal time. I read that story yesterday about Lenny's celibacy with shock, awe, and disgust. Part of our cultural obsession with celebrity is to live somehow vicariously through them, as a rock star Lenny is supposed to be living a life of hedonism and depravity. None of this self-deprivation. He's supposed to whore it up, and I was very disappointed in Mr. Kravitz, until it hit me, this is a fantastic angle for a celeb to take with the ladies. Not that Lenny needs help with them, but it just adds a little mystique to his game.

Well played Lenny, well played.

Homer

PS- a google image search on Lenny Kravitz is not recommended if your safe search is off. My eyes are still stinging.

Won't Someone PLEASE Think of the Children?

It's been too long since I've posted anything sexist, so here goes. Glendale is again proving that they hate children. Here's a snippet of the article from the AZ Republic:


Special-event liquor license for strip club rejected

Carrie Watters
The Arizona Republic
Jan. 24, 2008 10:03 AM
A former NFL linebacker's attempt to turn a Glendale cabaret into a Super Bowl party spot got squelched by Glendale City Council on Wednesday.

Adrian Ross, who spent six seasons with the Cincinnati Bengals, planned to hold nine days of parties at the Pink Cabaret to raise money for his organization that mentors children with football and literacy camps.

Pink Cabaret, the city's only strip club at 6789 W. Northern Ave., had agreed to give a portion of the proceeds to Ross's Maddbackers Foundation

I can only hope that the Glendale schools are safe from these monsters.

Homer

Triumph sings with Bon Jovi

The first 8 minutes of this video is worth watching. There's a lot of ripping on Bon Jovi, which is always great. But this song is kind of a highlight.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986)

Rare interview with Homer and gang at the Judas Priest show.

Jerry O'Connel = Rad, also = So Dead

Posted by Nay for VG

This is very nice -VG

Follow the link in case i didn't embed this correctly -VG

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe



href="http://www.funnyordie.com">FunnyOrDie.com

Tommy Emmanuel

I told you about this guy last night VG, or WP whatever you're going by now. He's fantastic, makes me want to set fire to my guitar and pick up the pan flute or something.

Homer

Letter to Ann Coulter

There's a whole series of these letters and they're all fantastic because Henry Rollins is fantastic. I'm sure some of you have seen them, but why not watch them again?

UOP Talent Show Next Month -vg

the best so far -VG

The Tom Cruise Scientology Video

http://defamer.com/344987/the-tom-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientologists-dont-want-you-to-see

You gotta see it to believe it...nuts. This website is refusing to remove it at the request of the aliens, so it should be available for you.

K-Rock

For Care Bear

Better than Britney?

This the infamous Chris Crocker's take on Britney's "Piece of Me" song...I know that VG will love it, especially the end.

Exposed (part 2)

Sorry White Phosphorous.

Homer

The VanBlogger Dead Pool

Fear not gentle readers, for Homer has not forgotten his entry into our little game. What follows is not a mere listing of what public figure will go gently off into that good night, but a brief explanation as to why I believe these 5 won’t make it out of 2008 still breathing.

1. Regis Philbin – The talent deprived of America salute you, Mr. Monochrome. I’m not sure how David Letterman will survive the blow, but Regis’ deal with Lucifer is nigh. He achieved fame and fortune how exactly? Swinging off of Joey Bishop’s sack will only get you so far. Guess what Regis, Joey’s dead and it is time for you to lie down and join him again for the dirt-nap.
2. John Goodman – Who some people will tell you looks more and more like his own planet nowadays, he just keeps getting fatter and fatter. He is moving past maximum density and is about to start just oozing lard from his pores. My prediction is that he’ll sign a Jenny Craig contract this spring, lose 50 pounds and then relapse with a Twinkie and Ho-Ho binge at the Chateau Marmont to complete the John Belushi special. Dead by Thanksgiving.
3. Bill Clinton – One bypass surgery already, you just know that once Hillary fails this fall that all control she had on Bill will be gone, spiraling him out of control. Cut off from his supply of interns and campaign trail groupies, Bill will end up in a hotel room eating powdered donuts off of some random desk-clerk’s chest till he kicks off in a puffy, sweaty haze.
4. Britney Spears – I’ll go with the obvious one here. Just look what a diet of crystal meth and caramel mochiatos does to a girl. Sexy! Her recent bout of crazy is just the jump-off point for her terminal spiral – the one you know will result in a blurry sex-tape with a dirty paparazzo, another stint in rehab, and an overdose that leaves here dead on a Hollywood sidewalk covered in vomit (not all of it hers)- all caught on tape.
5. Lindsay Lohan – Again, another obvious one, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, or even Dr. Phil, to figure out that this girl is in trouble. She is ostensibly trying to give up drugs and alcohol, but she is substituting sex with random guys for the high of the drugs. Sounds good in theory, but she’s going to end up pulling a Michael Hutchence (pun intended), killing herself to get that ultimate sexual experience. The coroner better be wearing a HAZMAT suit, that’s all I gotta say.

So that’s it, that is my list. I’ll just call the bonus shot at Rick D’Amico, when he bites it, I’m buying at the Circle K.

Homer

Mary Jo's Revenge

I was going to leave this alone. It's too obvious and a bit dirty, but since Amy is going to promote this thing, I'll do it. Is the Amy Fisher porn going to be called Mary Jo's Revenge, you know because Amy's going to be shot in the face this time?

Homer