Back to Five

As baseball, and the first-place Diamondbacks, head into the stretch run, here are the five things turning over in my mind today.

1. I thought that I would do this in a separate post, but you know, every time I wrote something it came out creepy and kinda gross, so I just thought I'd throw my answers to the list question in the last post out here, in no particular order (I could only really come up with three, with photographic evidence):

A. Kate Beckinsale - C'mon, you knew this.




B. Megan Fox - Dumb? Probably. Distractingly hot? Yep.




C. Jennifer Connolly - Really, she is Megan Fox version 1 (or would Megan be Jennifer 2.0?), but smarter and prettier.




2. Amy Winehouse - is receiving blood deliveries at home. Funny how her being a cracked out vampire is actually a step up from her recent appearances. It would explain a bunch, but I guess I'll step up and volunteer to drive a stake in her heart. I can only hope that a stake would do the job, as I'm not convinced she's not a zombie at this point.

3. K-Fed - is getting $20,000 a month in child support to go along with primary custody of his kids. How is he going to make ends meet? Of course he does get about a quarter a month in record company residuals. PopoZao baby!

4. Tom Cruise - is going to continue our discussion of destitute celebrities. Apparently, Maverick is going to have to start considering taking film roles where he won't get his standard $20 million paycheck. How is he going to lure Xenu here back to earth without buckets of gold? I think I'll send him a shiny nickel, you know just to help him out.

5. Whoopie Goldberg - is now claiming that she has had over fifty lovers in her life. Excuse me while I throw up. Okay, I'm back now, I can only suppose that crack goggles are far more effective than beer goggles, because I would literally have to be comatose to not become violently ill at the thought of Whoopie and her gigantic vag (according to Sam Malone). A quick note: I saw Whoopie at a casino in Lake Tahoe about twenty years ago, she had her row of quarter slots cordoned off so no one could approach her. Hey Whoopie, if you are going to be such a cheap bastard, don't get all upset when a slot jocky wants to bum a smoke off of you, okay?