Homer hasn’t forgotten the VanBlogger. Here are some thoughts from the last week:
1. Fascinating Fact of the Day – Amy Winehouse is only 24 years old. I’d put a picture of her up, but we need to keep crap like that off the blog. I can’t imagine the odds in Vegas against her seeing her 26th birthday. At this point the only thing she’s needs to do to hit rock bottom is to get a Tyson-esqe face tattoo. It could only help.
2. Brad Pitt = George Costanza? – Apparently so. Acting is his job, but architecture is his passion. He is allegedly going to help design a building in Europe. I hope they call it the Vandelay Building before it collapses.
3. Pamela Anderson – Is back in the news, not for accidentally killing someone with her latest set of breasts, but for selling her Viper for charity. It’s good to know what her nickname for Tommy’s junk is before she unloads it anyway.
4. Tori Spelling – Spawned again. And I keep hearing about it. I’m starting to feel like the ancient Israelites must have felt in the Old Testament. What have we done to piss you off God? Can we sacrifice a small horse, or maybe Sarah Jessica Parker to you for forgiveness? (I heard a radio guy give the news on this the other day – he said that witnesses reported that the baby has her father’s eyes and her mother’s hooves and shiny mane.)
5. Patty Kirkpatrick – Forgive me, but will someone please attach a warning to Channel 3’s HD ads featuring her and the loser who can only cover polygamists? Holy Hell, they scared the shit out of me last night as I was watching television. I keep hearing about how HD is going to drive out the remaining ugly people in local news. We’ve got some work to do here in the Valley, I’m hitting D’Amico’s place first.
6. Apparently Paul Newman is Dying – Gee, what was the first clue? The fact that he’s 83? I mean cancer sucks and all, but really, once you hit 80 if it isn’t one thing it is going to be something else. Spare me the ‘tragic’ talk here too. He’s probably still burning a cig while he’s sipping Newman’s Own juice and having money fights with Joanne Woodward. Tough life, I think I’ll spend my sympathy elsewhere.
7. Why the hell didn’t I pick Winehouse and Newman in my death pool? You hear that Goodman, you crazy doughnut eating dyke?
8. Mel Gibson – What happened? From Braveheart to Brittney mentor? Look, unless you’re calling her Sugar-tits and knocking back Mochiatos in an orgy of cream, coffee, and sugar, why would anyone want to spend more than 3 minutes talking to this girl? She’s ugly, talent-less, and stupid. She makes Jessica Simpson appear to have average intelligence. Even in disgrace and old age Mel can pull better than this Louisiana shit stain.
9. New Ideas – Are on their way to the blog. At least I think so. Check it out tomorrow.
10. Iron Man was very cool. He would have been cooler if the Sabbath song would have played continuously for the entire movie, but it was still a kick-ass movie.
2 comments:
I cracked up at the Patty Kirkpatrick one. She is super rough, even in the lowest of definitions.
A couple more of those botox injections and she won't be able to open her mouth wide enough to keep giving blow jobs to whoever is keeping her on the air. It's a fine line Patty.
damn! Nay just threw down. BOOM!
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