Sarah Silverman + Matt Damon = The F Word

Posted in spirit by TheMo

Who wants some electric bassoon? -VG

I win -VG

If you need to know anything else, I can be reached at 1-800-366-9699 ext 73442.

In the spirit of 80's rock interviewing...

stay to the end and you might get a little "drop dead legs" -VGWP

I Love Dana

Dana Jacobson is my new hero. I must say I even love her. Dana is an ESPN host who at a recent Mike and Mike Celebrity Roast staggered out on stage with a bottle of vodka and allegedly said, "Fuck Notre Dame, Fuck Touchdown Jesus."

The only thing that would make Dana even more attractive to me is if she were to stab Skip Bayless in the throat on Cold Pizza when she gets back from her week-long suspension.

She's not on my new list (a post in progress) but damnit, she made a strong play.

Homer

In the Interest of Fairness

I realize the photo I used with the previous post was a bit racy, so here is some equal time. I read that story yesterday about Lenny's celibacy with shock, awe, and disgust. Part of our cultural obsession with celebrity is to live somehow vicariously through them, as a rock star Lenny is supposed to be living a life of hedonism and depravity. None of this self-deprivation. He's supposed to whore it up, and I was very disappointed in Mr. Kravitz, until it hit me, this is a fantastic angle for a celeb to take with the ladies. Not that Lenny needs help with them, but it just adds a little mystique to his game.

Well played Lenny, well played.

Homer

PS- a google image search on Lenny Kravitz is not recommended if your safe search is off. My eyes are still stinging.

Won't Someone PLEASE Think of the Children?

It's been too long since I've posted anything sexist, so here goes. Glendale is again proving that they hate children. Here's a snippet of the article from the AZ Republic:


Special-event liquor license for strip club rejected

Carrie Watters
The Arizona Republic
Jan. 24, 2008 10:03 AM
A former NFL linebacker's attempt to turn a Glendale cabaret into a Super Bowl party spot got squelched by Glendale City Council on Wednesday.

Adrian Ross, who spent six seasons with the Cincinnati Bengals, planned to hold nine days of parties at the Pink Cabaret to raise money for his organization that mentors children with football and literacy camps.

Pink Cabaret, the city's only strip club at 6789 W. Northern Ave., had agreed to give a portion of the proceeds to Ross's Maddbackers Foundation

I can only hope that the Glendale schools are safe from these monsters.

Homer

Triumph sings with Bon Jovi

The first 8 minutes of this video is worth watching. There's a lot of ripping on Bon Jovi, which is always great. But this song is kind of a highlight.

Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986)

Rare interview with Homer and gang at the Judas Priest show.

Jerry O'Connel = Rad, also = So Dead

Posted by Nay for VG

This is very nice -VG

Follow the link in case i didn't embed this correctly -VG

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe



href="http://www.funnyordie.com">FunnyOrDie.com

Tommy Emmanuel

I told you about this guy last night VG, or WP whatever you're going by now. He's fantastic, makes me want to set fire to my guitar and pick up the pan flute or something.

Homer

Letter to Ann Coulter

There's a whole series of these letters and they're all fantastic because Henry Rollins is fantastic. I'm sure some of you have seen them, but why not watch them again?

UOP Talent Show Next Month -vg

the best so far -VG

The Tom Cruise Scientology Video

http://defamer.com/344987/the-tom-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientologists-dont-want-you-to-see

You gotta see it to believe it...nuts. This website is refusing to remove it at the request of the aliens, so it should be available for you.

K-Rock

For Care Bear

Better than Britney?

This the infamous Chris Crocker's take on Britney's "Piece of Me" song...I know that VG will love it, especially the end.

Exposed (part 2)

Sorry White Phosphorous.

Homer

The VanBlogger Dead Pool

Fear not gentle readers, for Homer has not forgotten his entry into our little game. What follows is not a mere listing of what public figure will go gently off into that good night, but a brief explanation as to why I believe these 5 won’t make it out of 2008 still breathing.

1. Regis Philbin – The talent deprived of America salute you, Mr. Monochrome. I’m not sure how David Letterman will survive the blow, but Regis’ deal with Lucifer is nigh. He achieved fame and fortune how exactly? Swinging off of Joey Bishop’s sack will only get you so far. Guess what Regis, Joey’s dead and it is time for you to lie down and join him again for the dirt-nap.
2. John Goodman – Who some people will tell you looks more and more like his own planet nowadays, he just keeps getting fatter and fatter. He is moving past maximum density and is about to start just oozing lard from his pores. My prediction is that he’ll sign a Jenny Craig contract this spring, lose 50 pounds and then relapse with a Twinkie and Ho-Ho binge at the Chateau Marmont to complete the John Belushi special. Dead by Thanksgiving.
3. Bill Clinton – One bypass surgery already, you just know that once Hillary fails this fall that all control she had on Bill will be gone, spiraling him out of control. Cut off from his supply of interns and campaign trail groupies, Bill will end up in a hotel room eating powdered donuts off of some random desk-clerk’s chest till he kicks off in a puffy, sweaty haze.
4. Britney Spears – I’ll go with the obvious one here. Just look what a diet of crystal meth and caramel mochiatos does to a girl. Sexy! Her recent bout of crazy is just the jump-off point for her terminal spiral – the one you know will result in a blurry sex-tape with a dirty paparazzo, another stint in rehab, and an overdose that leaves here dead on a Hollywood sidewalk covered in vomit (not all of it hers)- all caught on tape.
5. Lindsay Lohan – Again, another obvious one, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, or even Dr. Phil, to figure out that this girl is in trouble. She is ostensibly trying to give up drugs and alcohol, but she is substituting sex with random guys for the high of the drugs. Sounds good in theory, but she’s going to end up pulling a Michael Hutchence (pun intended), killing herself to get that ultimate sexual experience. The coroner better be wearing a HAZMAT suit, that’s all I gotta say.

So that’s it, that is my list. I’ll just call the bonus shot at Rick D’Amico, when he bites it, I’m buying at the Circle K.

Homer

Mary Jo's Revenge

I was going to leave this alone. It's too obvious and a bit dirty, but since Amy is going to promote this thing, I'll do it. Is the Amy Fisher porn going to be called Mary Jo's Revenge, you know because Amy's going to be shot in the face this time?

Homer

Death!!!

So we have had entirely too much time pass since a suitably bitchy, mean-spirited post has made it up here, so here goes. Crazy Brittney was carted off in restraints last night as "good parent" Kevin Federline received custody of their two children. Themo and I were discussing this and we determined that sometime this year Brittney would off herself or overdose, thus starting another Anna Nicole news cycle of pity and self-loathing. As we were discussing this I figured the VanBlogger should have its own death pool, you know, pick five public figures who you think will kick the bucket this year and then we all sit back like vultures and wait. The deadline (pun intended-I kill myself-wait-) is Monday so ponder on this fellow haters and get those lists in to be eligible for a bitchin' prize (probably a Diet Coke or something).

Homer

Who wants some telecaster?

My new favorite band....

check out they hits on YouTube-VG

Happy Holidays!

To all of you vanbloggers, vanassholes, or whatever you are. I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas. See you tomorrow.

Homer

Cool Cover

I'm carpet-posting like the Vanilla Gorilla.

Enjoy!

Homer

Christmas Carol Throwdown

Backing music? Who needs it.

Homer

Text of Speeches!!!

For those who don't know, Scott Van Pelt is an ESPN host (if you really want to know what he looks like, see below, I just couldn't make myself lead with that picture, so here's Paulina). He's a geek, but apparently gave a commencement speech at one of the Wisconsin universities this winter. Here's the address, I think its a good one:

(for those of you who question the validity of posting the text of a commencement speech, I refer you to the super santos video. Watch it and shut your pie-hole)

Homer

Charge to the Graduates, Winter 2007 Commencement

Chancellor Wiley, faculty, staff, honored guests, deans, family, friends…and most importantly my Badger graduates, thank you for asking me. I cannot thank you enough.

I read with great interest the headlines in the student newspapers here in Madison on Friday, Dec. 7 – there was a small blurb that said “ESPN host to address graduates.” The headline, of course, read “Chancellor Wiley to Step Down.” Now I am not a wise nor a learned man, but I’m pretty sure I can connect the dots on this one. The man spends seven years of his life building this university up and hears that I have been asked to come give the charge to the graduates and figures he wants to get it on the record that he’s getting out before I get to town — something about the accreditation of the university being null and void after I got here.

I read a lot about this Wisconsin Idea. Whatever it is, it certainly didn’t include me being asked to be here. And I know you have a limited budget – of nothing – but the fact that I was the best you could do is embarrassing, I mean honestly.

I was fairly certain that this request had to come from my core demographic. You probably know him? A little drunk, belligerent, 22’ish, hat on backwards, out in the bar – - comes up and says, “I just wanta get one picture with you. You rock, Trey Wingo!” When I was told that it was actually four young ladies that asked, I thought as Jemaine might say for you Flight of the Conchords fans, “Well, I’m not surprised.” Actually I was completely shocked and amazed and humbled and honored beyond words that you would ask me to come.

I know that you typically have one of your own do this, and to those who might be offended that an outsider was asked, please know that I have enormous respect for your university and your town. I meant what I said that day on the radio back in the summer, if you happened to hear that. What I said on the radio though – that was in July, all right? Madison tends to look a little different when you come back in December. But I stand by what I said. I’ve been very fortunate to travel around the country and see many universities.

There is only one (University of) Wisconsin-Madison. It is not good — it is exceptional — and sometimes an outsider’s point of view can simply serve to reinforce what you already know, and that’s how great you’ve got it. But I still wrestled with this because my initial thought was I’m not doing this, because you all deserve someone who has contributed to society in a far more meaningful way than referencing Flight of the Conchords and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force over highlights of the Milwaukee Bucks and the Atlanta Hawks.

But you asked. And as I thought about it, I thought, you know – I’m probably closer to the mindset, to all of you, than anyone else on the list of people you might ask, which speaks a whole lot more to me than the rest of the people on that list. I figure that the other folks you might have asked – they have never been in a dark bar called Monday’s and served a shot that you could drown a squirrel in. What’s with that place? No one wants to drink paint thinner. They’ve never been to flip night at State Street Brats or enjoyed the free bacon at Wando’s. – certainly not all three of those in one night, as I did in July.

They might know what the Fifth Quarter is, but could they tell you the difference between a Butch and a Stiemsma? And I guarantee that the folks on that list never had to watch their alma mater lose a basketball game in this building and then be forced to don a Grateful Red tee shirt that was about two sizes too small and pose for pictures with half the student section.

And that is when I had a moment of clarity. The heck with the rest of those people on that list. I will do it, and that is when the terror sets in.

The charge to the graduates? It sounds formidable, if not impossible. But then the clincher for me – it’s December. People took a little longer to get here, didn’t ya? Some Super Seniors – any Super Seniors? An extra semester or three? My people.

This hourglass will serve several purposes here. First of all, it’s my reminder to be brief. I might have left a voice mail message for a young lady that made it’s way on to the Internet. If you’re familiar, you know it’s proof that I do get a little long-winded. And as a side note to the fellas, when in doubt, maybe a text message is nice…I’m just saying.

The more important purpose of this is that it is symbolic. When I was where you now are, I gave no thought to the passage of time, no thought to the sand in my hourglass, so to speak. But as I stand here today, I am painfully aware of how much sand is in the bottom and how quickly it piles up there. And if you believe nothing else that I tell you today, believe me that a year will become five, will become 10 and you wake up one morning and you don’t recognize the bald-headed guy looking back at you in the mirror. For the ladies that analogy doesn’t work quite so well, unless you marry a bald-headed guy, and you’ll probably find him quite charming, because really we have no other option.

As Badgers, you all have repeatedly shown the world your great passion and it will take all of it as you step into the world to try to put your stamp on it. Understand that no amount of fame or fortune, no gem, no mineral, no currency known to man will buy you more of the most important asset that all of you have – an asset that, at least in theory, you have more of me – and that is time. So I encourage you to treat it like the treasure that is it. Invest it wisely, give of it willingly to the things that matter to you. Don’t waste it. Don’t take it for granted, because when it is gone, it is gone.

The line in the film “The Departed,” (Jack) Nicholson’s character tells the guy at the bar, “We’re all on our way out — act accordingly.” And with that thought in mind, I’ll share with you a story of a dog tag that I wear. It has three names on it: Sam, Gene and Lorenzo.

Sam was my father, Gene was my stepfather, Lorenzo was my grandfather. Not one of them lived long enough to see me begin my professional career. Any success I’ve had in my field, along with every penny, nickel, dime, quarter and dollar that I have accumulated – I would trade all of that if I could have just a little bit more time with those fellas. Sit down around a table, shake their hand, look them in the eye and let them know it worked out all right, but I can’t do that, because we ran out of time.

So today, please, please, please take some time with these people who are sitting in this building who have walked with you to this point, who have stood behind you and beside you and helped you get here, and tell them thank you. Tell them that you love them and the next time you get the chance to do that, tell them again, and never ever stop telling them until you run out of time.

Now I don’t want to give you the idea that because I believe time is of the essence that you need to be in some big fat hurry. In fact, quite the contrary. If anything I would tell all of you to take a deep breath and relax. You all have grown up in this era of instant gratification – the children of Google so to speak. You want to know the answer to any question, you Google it. You want to download the musical catalogue of your favorite artist, done!

The Internet has made all our lives easier, provided basically anything we want immediately, and created this true world community, but there is a negative in that it has made us an incredibly impatient society, and we’re all guilty because nobody wants to wait for anything ever. The difference for me is that I didn’t grow up with it. I know this is going to make me sound like the crazy old guy wandering around at the bus stop or something, all right? But when I went to the University of Maryland, we didn’t have no Internet! Do you have any idea how hard it was for us to gamble and find porn? I mean, you had to really work at being a degenerate, and we did!

The challenge for you may come now when you’re confronted with this harsh reality that you can’t Google your life. There is no high speed connection for your hopes and dreams. You can’t just type doctor, lawyer, CEO and the space bar and hit “enter” and have that become your reality. And I know that you know that, but knowing it and dealing with it with any degree of grace is an entirely different animal altogether. It requires something in short supply at the moment, and that is patience. No shortcuts, ok? But oddly enough I think that’s the good news here, and I would encourage you to embrace the notion that the process of realizing the dream, the process of getting from where you are now sitting to where you hope someday to stand is the good part. It’s every bit as important as the dream realized – the old adage, “the journey, not the destination.” Because I think life is not about finish lines.

Goals are important, but they have a very funny way of changing. Be invested in the ride. Be open to the idea that you will grow and you will learn and you will likely find that the destination you end up seeking might look entirely different from the one you have right now. And if you’re sitting there right now with no earthly idea of what you’re going to do next, that’s o.k., because your calling has a way of finding you, and I am a perfect example of that.

When I was working at the Golf Channel I signed a Post-It note and said “I will never work at ESPN,” and it is now framed on my desk at home. ESPN never represented to me my Mt. Everest. It was never my destination – my finish line. The truth is I don’t come here today with a finish line, and maybe that’s the wrong message. Maybe I should come here today with some sort of plan for world media domination or something, but I’ll leave that to the Ryan Seacrests of the world. I am simply aware of and thankful for as unlikely a trip as anyone in my business has ever taken, and I am proof that you are only bound by what you are willing to believe is possible.

Consider all of the unlikely things that had to happen – all the dominoes that had to fall – in order for me to be standing here today, as your commencement speaker. When I left Washington, DC, for the Golf Channel I broke as a joke. I was 30 cents away from having a quarter. I had never even been on television.

The first event I covered as a reporter for the Golf Channel I meet a kid with a big busted high top Afro and big thick glasses named Tiger Woods, and I thought “I’m gonna follow that dude.” And I did. And that was smart, because in the year 2000 he was having the greatest year in the history of golf.

The guy who was covering the sport for ESPN leaves to go to NBC. Well, ESPN needs a guy that has an in with Woods – hello! My destination changed. I end up going there to the worldwide leader of sports. First event I cover I go down there to Australia and I get a chance to work with a proud son of Madison by the name of Andy North, who’s here today. Give him a hand – the man who won the U.S. Open twice, for God’s sake. Andy and his wife Susan have become like family to me, so they had me up here this summer and I play in Andy’s charity golf event, go out on the town and have a good time — all that stuff about Monday’s and Wando’s we talked about earlier. I got back to ESPN, I spend an afternoon on the radio rambling about this fantastic place called Madison, Wisconsin. Evidently you heard about that and now here I stand today.

You can’t make that up. You can’t even invent a story that absurd, and yet that has been my life and my journey. And the places that your journey will take you and the people that you meet along the way are the settings and the characters that fill up the pages in the story of your life. I figured out a long time ago that my book would probably be short on accomplishment and it was going to be long on people and places. and I’m honored that Madison, Wisconsin, and all of you are now part of my book.

The idea of me giving you some sort of to-do list seemed incredibly presumptuous, but for some reason a list of don’ts felt entirely appropriate, so I will leave you with some don’ts if I might.

Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to dive into the deep end. Take a chance. You all are smarter than we were, you’re more compassionate than we were, you’re going to do it better than we did it, and we are counting on you to do so.

Don’t be afraid to fail, to fall down and look like a fool in the process. Understand that every single of us that has walked this road before you has failed. I certainly have the scars to prove it. Those that have succeeded are the ones who have gotten up and kept on going.

Don’t spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror. The past is gone, failures and successes alike. The world is changing very rapidly and the present, your tomorrow, is right out in front of you, so keep your eyes looking out the windshield.

Don’t compromise your integrity – not who you are or what you believe in — for a dollar, because it’s worth more than that. Now if they offer five, maybe you think it over. Ten – you probably take that. And twenty – well, you absolutely do that, but you just hope nobody finds out about it, and if they do, you chalk it up to being a mistake later and you don’t do it again.

Don’t assume you know everything, at least not yet, because you don’t.

And the most important thing – don’t let your sand slip through your fingers. Use it in the pursuit of your passion. Roll around in it, play in it, leave footprints in it. Build something that matters to you with it. Make absolutely certain that when your time is up and your story is told that you’ve written a story worth telling. It’s your time and you all are ready for it.

On Wisconsin.

Dewey Cox is the best movie I've never seen

posted by Nay, who thinks Paul Rudd looks especially paul-ruddy in this video.

SuperSantos

Questionable Material, at best

Seriously, don't even watch this video. It's THAT wrong. I questioned whether or not it was too low brow even for The VanBlogger. But still, I must share, because the minute I saw it on one of my favorite blogs, The Skip Raid, I saw comedy.

DON'T WATCH WITH KIDS AROUND. FO' REALZ. And don't you dare by one of these dolls for Pooks.

-=Nay

David Blaine Street Magic: YouTube Edition!

Don't watch this anywhere near kids. I love this video though. That dude is an effin' demon.

-=Nay

Classic

-=VG=-

Vanblogger MD, part 2

K-Rock brings you this treat...although they talk about the ailment during the video, this hayseed was made to be featured on the Vanblogger.

What Would You Buy?

I was reading the news the other day and saw that someone bought a lock of John Lennon's hair for $48,000. That sounded ridiculous to me, not to mention a little disturbing. Anyway, I didn't think too much about it, but then I read a little fact about Fredrick the Elector of Saxony. Fredrick was Martin Luther's king and employer and did nothing to stop Luther's heresies, despite the fact that the pope at the time told him to. The interesting fact is that Fredrick collected approximately 8,000 holy relics including what he believed to be straw from the crib of Christ. C'mon, when did Jesus really come to any kind of notoriety? Why would anyone around him have kept straw from the manger? Just silliness.

Anyway, due to the fact that our society seems to deify celebrities, it is only a matter of time until more stuff like Lennon's hair is unearthed from dead celebrities, so my question to you VanBloggers is what relic of celebrity would you consider purchasing? Buddy Holly's glasses? Marilyn Monroe's pill bottles? George Lucas' Bro/Manssiere? Think about it and have some fun!

All I want for Christmas -VG

Vanblogger MD part 1

So what does the doctor think?

New Vanbogger Game!

So I was reading a blog on Nay's myspace and it floored me. If you have a chance go ahead and read about her many ailments. Anyhow, that got me thinking as I had never herd of half of her maladies in my life. With that in mind I've made up a new Vanblogger game. Find a video on youtube and post it without a hint as to what may be ailing the person on the video. We well all then guess as to what is troubling the patient in our responses. I call it Vanblogger MD. Have fun. -VG

Check this cutie out...

Just red this - fantastic

http://www.azcentral.com/ent/dining/articles/1205islamorada.html

These boys need to get out... listen to what they say at the end

P-dogs with a .50 cal

The P-Dog Olympics -VG

This dude cracks me up -VG

Giving Him The Business!

If you don't laugh at this you're a douche. -vg

A Moment of Silence

Is probably less than Kevin DuBrow's home has heard ever. The man could talk, I'll give him that. Apparently the Quiet Riot singer was found dead today in his home. Interesting story: I was in front of DuBrow in line at a Baja Fresh in Las Vegas a few years back. No one approached him or acknowledged him. I felt kinda sorry for him. Anyway, now he's passed on and we have no one willing to pen such classics as, well most of his popular songs were covers so nevermind. Anyway, for me I'll either remember him as the quiet guy in the Baja Fresh or the guy who wrote the line "I want to kiss your lips, not the ones on your face." It's a diliemma...RIP Mr. DuBrow.

Homer

Shooby

I love Amateur Night at the Apollo. I love it so much, it hurts. And Shooby Taylor, The Human Horn, makes me love it that much more.

Old School Ric Flair -- WOOOOOOOOOOO

Make sure to watch the whole thing...Dale Murphy call out. -VG

Something for Care Bear -VG

Exposed

Sorry Homer.

Gettin' Ready for the Big House

I found these online while I was looking for pictures of Barry's mistress (she did 'roids with him if I remember correctly). He's obviously foreshadowing his own life as someone's bitch, getting passed around for a carton of Pall Malls. Maybe someone will beat him to death with a broom.

Homer

Go Devils!!! (I'm going to hell)

As we enter the Thanksgiving holiday, I wanted to take a moment to revel in the fantastic year the Sun Devils are having. It just goes to show what a real division one coach can do with talent. This is the exact same team that Koetter underachieved with, and here we are two wins away from the Rose Bowl, or maybe something bigger and better.

Go DEVILS!!!

Homer

It's the Hap-Happiest Time of the Year!

The holiday season is upon us, and I found some pictures of angels and snowflakes online and felt I had to share. I don't think either of these will grace the top of our bitchin' tree, but they will certainly make our blog more festive (and move us even closer to the rarefied "Super Genius" rating). Have a happy Thanksgiving folks!

Homer

PS - You knew a post like this was coming, right?

Barry Bonds Article.....SA-NAP!

I saw this on CNN.com today, it's from Sports Illustrated. Normally I wouldn't care, but this guy's a prick and I thought it was worthy of the VanBlogger. That's right, bitches, K-Rock has made an appearance on the blog.

Written by Phil Taylor, Sports Illustrated

The day may come that the bars of a prison cell clank shut behind him, and you wonder if, even then, Barry Bonds will admit to the terrible mistake that changed his life. It isn't the error of using performance-enhancing drugs that will have finally done him in, but the fateful miscalculation of lying to the federal government about it.

That's what Bonds now stands accused of doing, indicted on four counts of perjury and one count of obstructing justice for having denied to a grand jury four years ago that he intentionally used steroids. (Granted, an indictment is not a conviction, but if you truly believe Bonds is innocent of using PEDs and then being less than truthful about it, you may be more comfortable in another area of this Web site -- the one labeled Fantasy.)

Bonds is where he is today -- facing the possibility of prison time and probability that his career is over -- not so much because of his dishonesty but because of his hubris. He was arrogant enough to believe he could treat the feds the way he treated the media, the fans and even the commissioner, by essentially waving his hand dismissively and telling them to get lost. But the federal authorities aren't like some obscure middle reliever, overmatched and intimidated by the great Bonds. They have an awfully good record in going up against sports figures, as Michael Vick, Pete Rose, Jamal Lewis and Darryl Strawberry, to name a few who have fought them and lost, could have told him.

Think of how differently Bonds could have played his cards. A shrewder man might have, if not come clean before the grand jury, at least asserted his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination. Had Bonds taken the Fifth, he might have faced some token punishment from baseball commissioner Bud Selig, perhaps a brief suspension, that would have long since been over by now. He probably still would have broken the home run record, it's unlikely he would have been facing any legal charges, and he might even still be a San Francisco Giant, which seems to be his fondest wish. Instead, he's unemployed and likely to stay that way, so untouchable now as a free agent that he might as well be radioactive. All because he thought he was untouchable in a different way, immune to the reach of law enforcement.

Maybe his chemically-enhanced muscle fooled Bonds himself even more than the rest of us. Perhaps the nearly superhuman feats he pulled off in the batter's box made him feel he really could do things mere mortals could not, including stare down the judicial system and make a federal investigation go away. Or maybe other factors convinced him of his invincibility. When a friend like Greg Anderson sits in jail rather than incriminate him, when thousands of Giants fans ignore all the evidence of his steroid use and treat him like a hero, it's no wonder Bonds felt he could get away with anything, including treating federal investigators like a bunch of boobs. He made himself a target the day he denied everything under oath, essentially daring the feds to catch him in a lie, and apparently to his surprise, they took him up on it.

Suddenly the rest of it all seems so trivial -- the issue of the asterisk, his Hall of Fame candidacy, the chances of his finding a new team. Soon, when he's fully embroiled in the legal proceedings that seem sure to come, when he's trying to avoid trading in his baseball uniform for a prison jumpsuit, Bonds may look back on all the booing, all the debates about his rightful place in baseball history and see them as the good old days. If he thinks the fans on the road were tough on him, wait until he goes a few more rounds with federal prosecutors.

It's about to get uglier for Bonds, and you wonder if he realizes that, if he understands he is playing a whole new ball game, with much higher stakes. Chances are, he's confident he'll win this one, too. Bonds may be investigated, prosecuted, convicted and even incarcerated, but you are kidding yourself if you think he will ever be humbled.

Bear Down Homer!

Christmas came early this year brother. Now all you need is Kansas to fall apart and you will be sitting pretty.

Next Up - Super Genius

Get a Cash Advance

I'd hate for the lot of us to become braggarts, but this is freaking aweseome. I'm not sure what put our blog over the edge into Genius territory, but I have a feeling it has something to do with our dedication to culture and musicianship. And probably also the frequent mention of Salma's boobs.

And yes, this is probably some sort of joke website thingy, but I'm totally taking it to heart, because the VanBlogger is nothing if not an opportunity to point out just how much better we are than everyone else.

Are you ready to rock? -VG

Balls Out Awesome

Remember that video of the weird Utah town names to the music of the Beach Boys' Kokomo? This is the site of the douchenheimer that made that video. But his other offerings are the real meat. His film and music video catalog is just plain radical. I won't try to explain it any more than that. I'll let my recommendations do the talking.
Once you go to http://www.utahwolfproductions.com/index.html
select "Productions"
Try:
Challenge of Faith
The Crown
The Tale of Mermaids
Don't Disturb My Lunch

If you try at least one of those you'll be hooked and watch them all.

This Just In!!!!

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Oldie but a goodie

Gassy's "Friends of Satan" Contribution

Neil Patrick Harris gets my vote because of this devil-picture. Specifically for you, Nay.

Friends of Satan

In honor of Halloween, I would like to make this week's culture "People Who Have Obviously Made a Deal With the Devil". I don't necessarily have a favorite Satan Worshipper, but some fun ones are Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest, and that lady on The View who thinks she's funny.

Have at it.

-=Nay

(*Picture intentionally omitted, because I get scared looking in the eyes of people with no soul)

Something for Uncle Jack -VG

Nothing but Class, Baby!

I know that this man is very ethnic, so it hardly qualifies as White Trash, but damnit, this is a perfect example the behavior. I could totally see Kid Rock doing this (actually that could be actual Pam-size). Don't watch this around the kids.

Homer

White Trash

It isn't that I don't love the culture chosen this week by Homer. It's just that I can't quite put my finger on what white trash actually is to me. Sometimes I think "Walmart, just go with Walmart", but then I realize there's so much more to it than that. Besides, sometimes I kind of like Walmart, you know, cos it's cheap, and they have those White Cloud diapers with John Lennon animals on them. And I'm not White Trash. (shut up, I'm not).

So then I think it's like, being super unaware of how gross you look. But I know just as many latinas and black women who wear spandex pants and oversized t-shirts with pink leopards on them. And Joy from My Name is Earl fame is SO White Trash, but she's not wearing gray sweatpants and sparkly silver Crocs. And contrarily-wise, I know plenty of men who wear AC/DC shirts and flannel and we all remember the Trucker Hat Phenomenon, and those guys aren't white trash. So, it can't totally be based on fashion.

So maybe, I'm thinking, it's how one behaves. Like seeing your big boobs and thinking, "I should be smashing beer cans with these things". Or yelling at your kids in the middle of the grocery store because they're opening beer bottles with their teeth and you haven't even paid for them yet, damnit. But we used to do some pretty uncouth things as kids, like when my sisters dug a hole in our backyard and filled it with water, and creating our very own "pool". And we weren't White Trash. (seriously, shut up).

So is White Trash The Bundy's or The Clampett's? Is it Larry the Cable Guy or is it Marshall Mathers? Britney Spears or The-Lady-Diane-Works-With?

I guess White Trashiness is a state of being not unlike pornography. You can't define it, but you know it when you see it.

-=Nay

Cultural Awareness Month (continued)

Since the "Asian" post kind of fizzled, I thought I would salute the most ignored of all cultures: White Trash Culture. I could have posted up pictures of Jamie Pressley, and been done with it, but I saw this clip and found that the white trash culture is invading America and cannot be stopped. This is just a little slice, I want some prime examples this week. Enjoy the video.

Homer

For CB, with love from VG

Cultural Awareness Month Continues (Barely)

Since Selma (Salma??) looked creepy in that last post, I figured it was time to introduce this week's Culture To Be Aware Of. And in honor of K-Rock going to the Philippines next week, I thought that would make a great culture to highlight.

....Except that I can't think of one Filipino worth talking about. I mean, sure we all have a friend or two who is maybe, like half, and that's kind of fun for them, but really, who? Who??? So I googled, and yahooed, and even wikipediad, and although there are some very pretty Filipinas out there, not one of them deserves mention. So I'm going to have to widen the culture spectrum a little.

Basically, we're talking 'bout any "Asians" who come from places the real Asians (Chinese and Japanese mostly) would much rather forget about. One of them Goodwill countries that even the Peace Corps is kind of like, "eh" about. Laos. Cambodia. Vietnam. Nepal? I'm not good with geography, but you kind of get the point. I'm not sure if we should count India or not, because I think we'd just end up arguing if Mindy Kaling is funnier than Apu (she is).

So have fun with this one. I doubt this will be a very active week, since I'm seriously having a hard time coming up with anyone other than Maddox Jolie. He's a cute kid though, so it'll do for now.

Go D-backs!

So to get us back to talking about Mexican culture, what is everyone's favorite burrito? Mine has to be the barbacoa fajita burrito at Chipotle. Rice, peppers, onions, and spicy shredded beef. It is delicious. Speaking of delicious, here's another picture of Salma to brighten up your Sunday.


Homer

A good point

With all the crazy press brought to us from the basball "insiders" this week on how the Dbacks didn't belong in the post season, a breathe of fresh air and realism has been offered from Mike Bauman. The link is well worth a read.

http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article_perspectives.jsp?ymd=20071006&content_id=2253750&vkey=perspectives&fext=.jsp

=VG

Someone has too much time on their hands

A must see. You must read the comments throughout. Hilarious. -themo

WOW!!

What's Your Problem?

Would you shut up? I'm just trying to eat my fish.

I love love love this video. It's from Public Access television (probably the early 90's). I first saw it on Joe Mathlete's Great American Blog, which some of you are already aware of, but many of you still are not. I figured this was the best way to introduce to you the gems you will find there.

Either way, I've now found the ultimate comeback to anyone who asks me what my problem is. I figured all of you should see this now so you'll maybe get the reference when I say it aloud someday.

-=Nay

Owned

I watched one season of Survivor and this douche bag was on it that season. I remeber wanting and hoping someone would kick his ass everytime he did that little "fair play" bit. Looks like I got my wish. -VG

Across the Universe Trailer 2 (I've Just Seen A Face)

So here's a trailer for Across the Universe. It's got the best song from the movie, as well as two seconds of the Nurse scene we've talked so much about. Basically, it's Salma x 5 and she looks hot. I'd post a review of the entire film if I thought anyone besides CB was halfway interested. As it is, this should be enough.

Viva Mexico!

There are many great things to come from Mexico: Churros, burritos, Speedy Gonzalez, and the lovely people who make it possible to eat cheap grapes and lettuce year-round. But when Nay encouraged us to post culturally relevant Mexican topics, you just had to know I was going here. Bless you Salma, for representing Mexicans in such an exemplary fashion.

Homer

Cultural Awareness Week Begins!! Today: Mexican Sunday

In order to jumpstart this old thing, I propose a Week O' Culturally Diverse Fun (see, I'm already getting in the spirit with a nod to the Irish). Every day this week I will post the culture of my choosing, and then we will all post who is our favorite representative of that culture. It's easy. For example if I were to choose Irish Sunday, I would then post my favorite Irish person (Conan O'Brien) and explain what makes him the most awesome Irish person. Then TheMo would reply or post with, let's say Kathy Griffin and explain her reasons, and CB would say Bono and we'd all make fun of him, and everyone else puts in their two cents and fun is had trying to pinpoint who we like most in hard to-like-cultures (kidding Bono. Just kidding).

I choose to go with MEXICAN first, because it's so easy to forget the truly awesome Mexicans when people like Carlos Mencia are out there trying to represent (and as we all know now, he's Honduran, so that just makes him an ass). Also, I'd like to prove that I do not forsake this part of my culture in anyway whatsoever. How could I when we've got someone like this rad to speak for us:



Señor Ritchie not only brought light brown to rock n roll in the late fifties, he brought it hard. One viewing of La Bamba (starring the mutli-ethnic Lou Diamond Phillips) and you will agree, Mexicans are cool. Cool enough to die alongside Buddy Holly, and cool enough to get a bunch of gringos to sing wedding ballads from a country they thought they despised. Ritchie Valens, you deserve a chimichanga and a hug.

The Office Season 3 Bloopers (Part 2)

there's a little overlap, but worth watching...

K-Rock

Season 3 Office Bloopers

A new batch!

K-Rock

MENDOZAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I love this. I would have paid $7.50 to see this, but I still haven't seen the Simpson movie, what does that tell you?

Enjoy!

Homer

Something to chew on...

the VG has been looking for a new band and he has recently been impressed by Brandi Carlile. Solid music comp and crazy vocals. What say ye?

Happy B-day VG!

For your birthday, I made the sacrifice to find a good video for you. I tried Ernie Tubbs, but the VanBlogger has enough of that crap on it, so Shakira it is.

Enjoy!

Homer

Bitch, please!

Ok, we all loved the tirade begging us to just leave Brit Brit alone...this one cracks me up even more. If you have a good hour to kill, search this freak on youtube.

One-Man-Band Japanese Hotel California

The 2007 Nobel Prize goes to....

These guys. I bow to them, I know what themo is getting from Santa, (other than a good caning). Check out their website, BaconSalt.com

Homer

I don't what's more amazing...

Chet Atkins playing the guitar or the fag playing the harmonica, the Liberache of the mouth harp. Make sure you watch it all so you get some hand killer hand drumming.

What are you doing Saturday night?

...oh I'm going to see this band tear the music business a new corn hole.

Yay!!!

I love this stuff. People who do this stuff are too clever for me.

Homer

I love it

I'm sure you've all seen this by now, but everyone should watch it at least 3 times in their life. I thought it was a chick at first. Wow.

It's been a couple of days since we last had a black face sighting...

Sarah is Magic

I want to use this week’s rant to proclaim my love for Sarah Silverman. I hope themo understands. Sarah seems to be convinced that her gig as “awards show host” means “treat celebrities like that dude who got horse-raped to death.” She allegedly even provoked Brittney Spears’ latest and greatest video debacle. Apparently Brittney overheard Silverman practicing her joke basically calling Brittney’s kids two really cute mistakes. It was a nice joke, but nothing like the Paris Hilton that Silverman took earlier this year. I don’t believe Spears is coherent enough to process any thought other than the vague idea that she needs more Cheetoes. I’m pretty sure you could walk up to Brittney at this point and light her hair extensions on fire and she would need to hear about it through her publicist before she became aware of it.

But I love the fact that Silverman was delivering jokes into a vacuum. Sarah was putting it to the “stars” that were in attendance in her monologue, but other than laughing at Brittney and Paris (who only seem to exist to mock and deride), they didn’t seem to enjoy being the butt of a joke. The problem is they don’t realize that they are all jokes; studio creations who exist merely to sell some producer’s sonic abortion. And before you jump in with “you don’t get it because you’re old,” this has been the case for decades and it will continue to be the case as long as there are record companies and producers who can exploit some “artist” who dropped out of high school to become a star.

These people live lives that are so artificial that they begin to believe it’s all real. It is like The Truman Show, but instead of living in a bubble, these divas are vaguely aware of the fact that there are other people out there, but to them we all exist to celebrate their coolness. My love for Sarah has to do with the fact that she is willing to get up in front of these pampered mouth-breathers and call them on it. It is like she is pulling back the curtain and showing us all that the bitchin' façade that the music industry is selling us is really just a bunch of talent-deficient douche-bags waiting for someone to give them a gift bag and some groupies. Maybe we need another turf-war to thin the herd a bit, only this time Kanye and Justin can kick each other in the pussy until the other quits crying.

Homer

Gud Lawd! I can't wait!!!

Fall is here and once again hope springs eternal. The Cards take on the Niners tonight on MNF. I fully understand that I will once again have my heart torn from my chest and stomped on the ground by a week line backer core and a o-line that resembles the IHS front four before week 3. However, I will be there and I'll will invoke Moroni's promise with hopes of a winning season and dare I say a possible playoff birth... "and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest...it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.". I believe Cards, I believe! -VG

Love it.

Love it so much.

Only Wal*Mart

A Detective posing as a 15 year old girl busted a man trying to lure "her" back to Nevada. The fun twist to this story is that the man and his wife made a video to show the girl that introduced her to her new family. The wife was in on the scheme to bring a 15 year old in to the family. Why? I'll let the article explain:

"In the video, Jennifer Evans said that she would not mind sharing her husband with the girl, and said that part of the reason was because she worked about 70 hours a week at a local Wal-Mart and was unable to satisfy her husband's "strong sexual appetite."

Awesome. And don't you feel silly for thinking Wal*Mart was filled with classy folks?

Holy Crap

I honestly would rather die.
CB

**Speechless**

Homer

Have you ever wanted kill somebody?

watch this for the whole two minutes and you will want to take a baseball bat to Jerry Lewis head. -VG

Caption Contest!

Winner gets a free beverage at the AD party in a couple of weeks. Let me ruminate on this before I offer my suggestion.

Homer

New Spread Offense at U of A

So the Wildcats of the University of Arizona installed a new "spread" offensive scheme in their football program. Good for them, I'm assuming that the term "spread" means they are just going to lie back and take it like Bobby Knight suggested. One first half first down? Sad. Just think UA, it's only a few months until basketball season.

Homer

Rant of the Week

Since themo requested some new content, I thought that I'd start a semi-regular concept, the Rant of the Week. This week's rant has to do with sports, because football season is beginning. The beauty of sports is the fact that anything can happen, well that's true in most sports, just not college football. Division One college football is nearly as rigged as the WWE. We have a preseason poll that determines if a college is going to be in consideration for the national championship. Boise State last year is a great example; they beat everyone they played, including a pretty good Oklahoma team in the Fiesta Bowl, but did they warrant any real consideration as the national champion? Nope.

I've got two words for the NCAA presidents who whore their product out for bowl millions: Appalachian State. Their defeat of a seriously over-rated Michigan team just proves that the preseason poll is as worthless as Brittany Spears comeback disc. Hopefully someday we'll be able to see a champion crowned on the field of play in D-I football (just like all of the other divisions), and see less of Brittney's flabby ass when she forgets to wear pants.

Oh yeah, two more words for NCAA presidents and Brittney: Suck it.

Homer