Shameless Stunts for Attention

Britney has got to put some damn panties on - I'm sick to death of hearing about this every day. Seriously, she's making K-Fed look like the one with class....

K-Rock

Michael Scott in Money Magazine

Michael Scott

Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Co.

Avoid a Staff Mutiny (With Chocolate, if Necessary)

(As imagined by Greg Daniels, executive producer, and Paul Lieberstein, co-executive producer, of NBC's The Office) Every day someone stops me on the street or in a coffee shop or a magic shop, and they want to know how to motivate their staff! Fantastic, I tell them! Then I tell them there's this old saying, "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. It will only drink if it's thirsty." I think that while at one point that may have been true, in today's fast-paced business climate, that no longer holds water!! Of course you can make a horse drink. If it doesn't drink, whip it. The horse will understand that you mean business, and it'll start gulping down a ton of water. Now, luckily I don't have to whip my employees - they worship me - plus they drink plenty on their own. Ergo, love. Fantastic! The three keys to motivating your staff are love (positive reinforcement), fear (negative enforcement), and chocolate (chocolate reinforcement).

Nowadays I find chocolate and/or chocolate-based snacks to be great motivators. Everyone loves chocolate. If someone has a lot of work to do, put a piece of fudge in a glass container (so they can see it) and let them know that if they accomplish their tasks, they can eat the fudge. You'll definitely get a reaction!

What's it come down to? Attitude! I teach my workers a "yes, let's get it done!" way of thinking, whereas without me they would think, "OK, I'll do it, but I'd rather just watch TV and do it later." I'm behind that. I'm helping them make life better and better, with no limits! The future is theirs and mine! I believe so much in the future that I invest exclusively in "futures." In fact, you can't invest in "pasts," they don't offer that. I've checked.

There's a saying, "As goes paper, so goes the paper business." You've heard of supply and demand. Well, paper demands that I do my job or I am fired. That's been said to me. And that's a good thing: It's called a warning, and we should heed the warning signs of a downturn. Or an upturn. The point is, motivation is business, and that's fantastic. Business is the backbone of the economy, and those who say otherwise are incorrect or lying to your face. If it weren't for business, this country would probably have another depression, only this one wouldn't be so great.

Caption that photo

I saw this picture on metadish.com yesterday and fell in love with it. Unfortunately, I am kind of at a loss what to say about this freak, other than she is making her husband's affair with a porn star look like a massive step up in the world. I thought it would be fun to have a little contest to see who could come up with the best caption for this photo. Winner gets chocolate.

I'll go first:

"Damn, Brittney either needs to put Paris back to work or get Lindsay back so she can suckle her other teat"

In other fun photo news, this one is for Gassy. I know you liked the TMZ picture, so here is another. She is just scary now (and has been for years).


Homer

Kid Rock = Sherlock Holmes

So I'm sitting here yesterday, just reading the mindless gossip sites trying to feign interest in yet another picture of Brittney's "babymaker" as one site put it, when I learned some of the reasons why Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are divorcing. According to one site, he flipped out after seeing the Borat movie. Here is the quote:

"Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.

Pamela Anderson is a slut and a whore? What was his first clue, do you think? The Borat movie? The hep shots he had to get? The Valtrex in the medicine cabinet? The fact that she dated Scott Baio? Kid Rock must be some kind of detective savant. I mean anyone could have missed the clues, even Holmes wasn't perfect, but Kid was able to cipher it out without the help of others. If this music thing doesn't work out, he can always get work as a mall security guard or something.

Homer

Demi Moore - Crusader

So Demi has had it huh? I guess she just needs to look fondly back at her Oscar-worthy work in Striptease and Charlie’s Angels and wonder why all of the good roles for older women go to that bitch Judy Dench. Here is the article from azcentral.com:

Demi Moore has slammed Hollywood for the lack of roles available to older actresses.

The 44-year-old star has blasted filmmakers for making women believe their careers are over once they turn 40.

She fumed to Britain's OK! magazine: "For many female actors who turn 40 it means the end of their career, its time to retire. There aren't that many good roles for women over 40.

"A lot of them don't have much substance, other than being someone's mother or wife. If we are told we are not valuable once we hit 30 it is a problem."

The 'Bobby' actress - who is married to 28-year-old Ashton Kutcher - has urged middle-aged actresses to prove their big screen abilities to the major studios.

Demi said: "We all have more to give. We can't just bend over and wait for something to happen. We have to say, 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!' "

You know, now that you think about it, Demi has the potential to be the next Gloria Steinem, or maybe the next self-important psuedo-celebrity to open their pie-hole to complain about how hard it is to be them. She should just shut the hell up, thank her plastic surgeon for keeping her relevant, and have money fights with Ashton before she gives him a glass of milk and puts him to bed.

Homer

Nothing like blackface footage to contain a scandal...

Since Care Bear likes black-face, I thought this was not only timely, but fun as well.

Homer

Arrested Development - The Chicken Dance Collection

I know that I have posted these before, but this is a compilation, so it is like it's new. Again, one of the great television shows ever.

Homer

猩猩遇到蛇

WTF!!!

The 5th VanAusdal

From the one and only - Vanilla Gorilla

Lets hear it for the boy kids incorporated

Looking at the SBTB videos has got me thinking back to that great Sunday morning stand-by, Kids Incorporated. This clip is great for a few reasons: classic Footloose song, Martika, Fergie, Tootie on the keyboards, and the older boy in the group who barely gets to sing at all - maybe he didn't want to hear about the damn boy.

K-Rock

Saved by the Bell: Brokeback Style

The Angry Ninja

You asked for it.

Well worth sixty bucks

I don't care what you think about Disney, they know how to do a fireworks show. Yes, it's 17 minutes long, so I would suggest fastforwarding to about 6:30, where Indiana Jones, Haunted Mansion, Pirates, and Star Wars begin.

The Office - Free Love

Classic - themo

What you want, a cookie?!

Another great The Office clip. -themo

Hot Sundae!

I found another Saved by the Bell nugget for my hubby (a closet SBTB fan) - themo

slater dance

I know this guys supposed to be some kind of boy wonder, but wow, how GAY! -themo

Really bringing sexy back

Since themo cannot get here youtube clip to stay working, it falls to me to bring sexy back to the Vanblogger. Ladies, don't hate on her because she has soo much estrogen in her body, just accept the fact that you will never measure up to her. Guys, I'm not sure you should look, but it's probably too late. My question is what purpose is the bikini top really serving here? I know the bottom is holding her penis in, but the top? Arnold has bigger boobs, but he still goes topless in public. This one could have been in the Halloween countdown, but it is too recent. Enjoy!

Homer

When they were kings...

One thing I am grateful for is youtube.com. It allows me to forget for just a minute or two that two that at least two of these guys are now insane. Forget the fashion atrocities being committed here, and revel in the power of the greatest rock band of the era. Twenty-five years is a long time ago. Just pray that they will come to their senses and stay home next year.

Homer

Johnny Cash Tribute

cameo list...bono, justin timberlake, kanye west, jay-z, johnny depp, iggy pop, chris martin, kate moss, rick rubin, anthony kiedis, flea, chris rock, patty smith, sharon stone, terrence howard, q-tip, adam levine, sir peter blake, sheryl crow, dennis hopper, woody harrelson, amy lee, tommy lee, dixie chicks, mick jones, shelby lynne, travis barker, lisa marie presley, kid rock, keith richards, kris kristofferson, billy gibbons, corinne bailey rae, graham nash, brian wilson, owen wilson... - themo

The Office Brings Sexy Back

Make sure you watch it with sound. -themo

I'm thankful for ???

1. I am grateful for hair because I will always have a job. I hope!

2. I am grateful for the Great Pumpkin because he brings toys and candy to the most sincere.

3. I am grateful that dinosaurs are extinct because I hate to run.

Snippy!

Wow, I cannot believe my eyes!

Before:


After:



So Themo and I were sitting around the other day marveling at the amazing body transformation that Fatty-fat-fat Carmen Electra had undergone. I mean really, can you believe it either? I mean in the top picture it looks like she may have eaten a rice cake earlier that week. Anyway, we were perplexed; was it diet and exercise, or some surgery, or merely some intense regimen "celebrities" use when they need to slim down for a part that us normal peons will never even hear about?

Well, we are perplexed no more. We were watching television last night and we saw that Carmen is now a spokesperson for NV Diet Pills. Get it? N-V(Envy)??? Trim-spa and that coke-fiend have nothing on this new miracle pill. Seriously, what more could they ask for in a spokesperson than someone who has obviously suffered with weight issues throughout her life. I mean the pictures don't lie, do they???

Homer

GAY!!

No, that's not a partial birth abortion. It's the new Diamondback uniform. Vanillia Gorilla no likey.

Vanilla's List

My list is simple.

!. My job. Not because I make a difference in peoples life or anything, it because they make a difference in mine with the crazy that comes out of their mouths on a daily basis. the following is an actual transcibed message left by a student on a co-workers voice mail. This was transcibed word for word by the care bear.

Ah, yes, this is Jane Doe, um, recall, uh, returning your call. Uh, I have a background as a speech and language therapist. Um, um, but I, I think, um, for, um, you know, financial control purposes in the state of California, I don’t know, I don’t think Bank of America would even allow me a separate safe deposit box. So, um, I’m wondering now that, um, that there’s been the death of my mother and my uncle and, I think, you know, at least a minimum of 5 million dollars went to Surprise, Arizona. I’m wondering if, um, if it would be possible to get employed anywhere. I-I’m on SSI right now and I’m trying to get back in to some form of work because I’m finding that the SSI is just a different biomedical behavioral controller nanotechnology experiment every two to three months or less. So I’m trying now that everybody’s gotten their money to maybe enable myself. If there’s any possibility of life in America , um, through, uh, job access and financial and health and transportation control. So, um, anyway, uh, I-I don’t know if, if this seems irrelevant to you, but it’s very relevant in terms of me being able if I’m going to be enable to study or whatever, because I go through a lot of teleportation implantation injection imbedding of-of, uh, things and also, I think withdrawal of blood. Um, so, um, anyway, I’m wondering if the medical and financial transportation communication education job exca-, access control is going to give me any access to anything. Um, all I can is my background is a speech and language therapist. There is a convention this year in, um, Florida to get continuing educations in the field of speech and language therapy. I always felt the field of speech and language therapy was a little bit narrow and I enjoyed teaching when I had an opportunity to substitute teach in California. I like the ancient Egypt , Greece , Rome , India , China , you know, Japan . Um, I like the ancient civilization. I like to study the ancient civilizations and I like to teach that kind of thing. Um, I don’t know, um, if you have any, um, opportunity for older women. I’m in my 50’s. Um, so, I don’t know if there’s any opportunity for continuing education or, or, if I should try to go the nursing route. But I feel like I need some form of employment, otherwise I’ll probably be dead shortly. Uh, due to the, um, research, um, and control that MediCal is. It’s just, it’s just a diagnosti – stistical manual code torture chamber of all the diagnosti –stistical manual codes to go through one after another like a little guinea pig or – or, um, hamster in a revolving cage. So, um, so I am trying to have an opportunity for continuing education. Um, and I-I don’t know if, um, there’s any, um, scholarships, uh, or any, um, any type of access toward the older woman. Um, there certainly isn’t here in Santa Cruz , California . So, um, due to the financial need of the community, the state, and (inaudible) my family. So, um, I need, um, some type of, um, job access, uh, with you know with maybe some continuing education on the side probably as soon as possible. And, um, that gives you a brief background on myself. Um, I was educated at the University of California at Santa Barbara and the University of New Mexico . I felt as though, um, in terms of education from my field I should have really have taken more chemistry or for the, um, the medical system these days. And, um, also, perhaps, um, medical terminology. But there’s also the problem, of, uh, nuclear, um, uh, for, uh, over, the-the-the Southwest region. And, um, s-so there’s, uh, other problems in terms of education, um, in terms of (inaudible) education the field of physics. So, um, but, um, that’s more of a long range perspective, um, over the Southwest region and that’s all I have to say at the moment. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx extension xxx and right now there is some irritability medicine in my right arm that I’m going to have to try to get out some hydrogen peroxide gel. Due to, uh, the fact that the state of California is always trying to make me irritable. Ok, and thank you so much for calling. Bye.

2. Tacos - I them all in all their many forms

3. QT - I have yet to find anything wrong with the tizzzle. The only improvement that I could possible suggest would be and automatic doors and nice crystal light fixtures.

K-Rock's Gratitude List

1. My little bundle of joy (read: licks, barking at phantom things, sleeping in my lap on the couch, expertly getting poo stuck in her bum fur) Mia VanAusdal.

2. I have to ditto Homer's Diet Coke tribute - I truly can't imagine daily life without it.

3. The combo of peanut butter and chocolate in any form.

4. B-I-N-G-O! Don't knock it til' you've tried it...I know some of you feel me on this one!

5. My family's great sense of humor....can you imagine this blogger with a comic-impaired family? Yuck.

Monastat 7

I am thankful for Monastat 7, I'm on fire!
I am also thankful for Massengil. Now, I have that fresh feeling! Thanks Mom.
I am thankful for Compound W. This stuff is a miracle, I know it says not to use on sensitive areas but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
Lastly, I am thankful for antibiotics - don't ask, don't tell.
themo

Gratitude By Nay

I think that Gratitude by Nay would make a great fragrance btw.

I am thankful for:

Tollhouse Break and Bake Cookies. I'm pretty sure no explanation is necessary, but I'll just go ahead and say that there's nothing wrong with a kitchen that smells like chocolate chip cookies, and even less wrong with no bowls or measuring cups to wash afterwards.

PBS. 100% Guilt-free entertainment, and it comes in clear without cable.

McDonald's. For being there through thick and thin, and then thick again, cos who can resist a milkshake every now and then?

What Exactly Are You Thankful For??

It is November, a time for reflection and all of that other sappy crap-ola. A stupid bulletin board at work has inspired this post. On it we were supposed to put what we were thankful for and of course everyone put the same stuff: family, friends, health, yada-yada-yada. It almost made me puke. But it did make me want to ask all of you, what are you thankful for? Not the obvious stuff, I know you are all grateful for your family and health, but what kind of stupid crap are you thankful for? Post it here and we can all make fun of it!

I'll start it off here are a few things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for Haribo gummi bears. They are sweet, tart, and delicious. They help me maintain the impressive physique that I am blessed with. The German genius is really out in full force with those delicacies.

2. I am thankful that Diet Coke is the supreme beverage in the universe. Others aspire to its greatness, but they cannot quite measure up.

3. I am thankful for iTunes for allowing me to purchase songs individually. There is no way in hell I would buy something like "The Final Countdown" in person, but thanks to the internet, I can get it without ever leaving the house. Of course I only use it when I am prancing around like Gob with a dagger in my mouth, throwing cards, and ripping, well that's enough about what themo and I do behind closed doors.

Homer

P.S. I had some really cool pictures to add, but the blogspot won't add them. I'll get them later.