Back to Five

As baseball, and the first-place Diamondbacks, head into the stretch run, here are the five things turning over in my mind today.

1. I thought that I would do this in a separate post, but you know, every time I wrote something it came out creepy and kinda gross, so I just thought I'd throw my answers to the list question in the last post out here, in no particular order (I could only really come up with three, with photographic evidence):

A. Kate Beckinsale - C'mon, you knew this.




B. Megan Fox - Dumb? Probably. Distractingly hot? Yep.




C. Jennifer Connolly - Really, she is Megan Fox version 1 (or would Megan be Jennifer 2.0?), but smarter and prettier.




2. Amy Winehouse - is receiving blood deliveries at home. Funny how her being a cracked out vampire is actually a step up from her recent appearances. It would explain a bunch, but I guess I'll step up and volunteer to drive a stake in her heart. I can only hope that a stake would do the job, as I'm not convinced she's not a zombie at this point.

3. K-Fed - is getting $20,000 a month in child support to go along with primary custody of his kids. How is he going to make ends meet? Of course he does get about a quarter a month in record company residuals. PopoZao baby!

4. Tom Cruise - is going to continue our discussion of destitute celebrities. Apparently, Maverick is going to have to start considering taking film roles where he won't get his standard $20 million paycheck. How is he going to lure Xenu here back to earth without buckets of gold? I think I'll send him a shiny nickel, you know just to help him out.

5. Whoopie Goldberg - is now claiming that she has had over fifty lovers in her life. Excuse me while I throw up. Okay, I'm back now, I can only suppose that crack goggles are far more effective than beer goggles, because I would literally have to be comatose to not become violently ill at the thought of Whoopie and her gigantic vag (according to Sam Malone). A quick note: I saw Whoopie at a casino in Lake Tahoe about twenty years ago, she had her row of quarter slots cordoned off so no one could approach her. Hey Whoopie, if you are going to be such a cheap bastard, don't get all upset when a slot jocky wants to bum a smoke off of you, okay?

The Dark Five

1. The List – I was reading one of my favorite sites the other day when they were asking their readers about which celebrities they’d like to “date.” It was kind of serendipitous due to the fact that I was just commiserating with themo about how Chow Young Fat had fallen off of hers. So, my little Vanbloggies, who makes the cut in 2008? Think about it and let’s see the results.

2. Ferris Bueller – Allegedly cheated on his wife. Look, I’m not going to excuse adultery, but since Sarah is only marginally human, shouldn’t we give Ferris a break here? I mean, how many times does the paper bag have to rip before he just buys Sarah a new saddle blanket and moseys back into town for some lovin?

3. Brooke Hogan – is supposedly considering posing nude for Playboy. I haven’t read the Bible lately, isn’t this another sign of the apocalypse?

4. X-Files – Wouldn’t this second sequel have been better oh, about eight years ago? Who did Gillian Anderson have to seduce in order for her to get some work?

5. Russia – Uncle Joe would be proud. Russia has just started cracking down on gothic/emo websites and dress. I get that the little emo sissies are annoying and even deserve the scorn and derision of an entire nation, but do we really need to ship them off to the gulags? On second thought, a little hard work would be good for them. Can I organize a little involuntary trip for some of the losers I see at the mall?


Homer

Overwhelmed

So I went and saw the new Batman movie this weekend, and quite frankly I don't know what to say about it other than wow. To be honest it was a little overwhelming in it's ambition, is it a comic book movie or or a kick-ass action/drama that happens to feature a dude in a bat-suit? I can't really say, but it was really good. So I guess the question is, have any of you Vanbloggers seen it yet? What did you think?

Homer

The Homer of July

So Homer went on vacation without the laptop and consequently, he’s rusty as hell. Oh well. Anyway, here’s five things poking my brain.

1. Arizona State – was recently ranked as the #1 school for athletics by Sports Illustrated. The 2007-2008 sports seasons were great for the Sun Devils, so suck it Mildcat fans.

2. Brett Fav….I’m not even going to finish his name. He just flat out needs to shut his pie hole and stay in Mississippi. Go hunt, or fish, or burn crosses, or whatever the hell they do down there, just stay the hell off of my television. Maybe he can get distracted by the stray Oxycontin pill that rolled under his entertainment center.

3. The Ferret – that lives on top of Bret Michaels’ head is back! In case you didn’t know, Rock of Love will be back for a third installment. I’m starting to think that maybe Bret doesn’t take this too seriously. Maybe this time they can mix things up by relaxing the stringent casting guidelines; you know, Bret just can’t have anything in common with all of the scientists and engineers that they have been casting the past couple of seasons.

4. In more shocking news – Andy Dick was arrested for fondling a 17 year old girl. A girl. Wow, who woulda thunk?

5. Two and a Half Men – received another Emmy nomination today. Do the voters even have televisions? Or is it all a grand scheme of retribution against Denise Richards (which I’d actually be alright with)? At least 30 Rock got a nomination, Alec Baldwin is just a damn genius.



Well, that’s it for today kids, does anyone know when the new Batman movie comes out? I haven’t heard a thing.

Homer

I see your you tube skills K-rock and raise you one...-VG

Charlie bit my finger - again !

This video is hilarious, plus you can't beat a little kid with a British accent.

K-Rock

Homer's Great Films #2

Old School



I’ve tried to write this post on Old School about twenty times. Each time it comes off like a bad freshman film student trying to impress his teacher (who invariably wears black, smokes cloves, and has an office filled with posters for 1950’s French films). They were trash. I’ll keep this simple: Old School is a great movie for three main reasons:

1. Frank the Tank – Still the single greatest role that Will Farrell has had. Frank is base, crude, and only one drink away from becoming a human Barney Gumble. Hell, his Trans Am was called the Red Dragon. His mournful adieu to Blue should be the only version of “Dust in the Wind” allowed to be broadcast in the United States.

2. Supporting Cast: Juliet Lewis, Vince Vaughn, Andy Dick, and Craig Kilborn: all fantastic. This might be the only role that Lewis has ever been good at: a dirty, sleazy sex-addict. The pledges and the Mitch’s co-workers were all perfectly cast as well.

3. Smart Script: Don’t mistake the ridiculous plot and genre for stupidity. The writing is clever and quick. Many of the jokes are played broadly, but that does not detract from the humor of the film. As Spinal Tap taught us, there is a fine line between stupid and clever and Old School walks that line expertly.

In the spirit of simplicity, I'll close by saying, Old School isn’t a classic slice of cinema, but it is a great damn movie.

This Things I Believe 6/19

1. Jennifer Aniston – needs the Garth Algar version of reality hitting her in the face. She allegedly did not want to appear on the cover of some magazine with Jennifer Connelly due to the fact that she (Aniston) needed to be the dominant ‘sexy’ one on the cover. Look, I get that Aniston standing next to Connelly is somewhat akin to Brittney Spears standing next to a steaming pile of shit. There is just no win for Aniston or Spears there, but that is no reason to deny the rest of the world more magazine covers with people who look like Jennifer Connelly. Someday Aniston will recover from being left by Pitt, it’s just not going to change the fact that her once cute shtick has been played and she just needs to go away and keep humping somewhat talented pseudo-elephant men like Vince Vaughn and John Mayer while keeping her eyes closed and pretending she’s still on television and it really is Brad on top.

2. Vegas – With the economy in the shitter, Vegas is complaining about their revenues dipping to $12.4 billion this year. Gee, that’s too bad. Does this mean that they are going to drop their room rates? Well, since the average room rate is down 4%, I guess that’s like asking if they will at least kiss you before you go to the tables. I don’t think that Steve Wynn is losing any of the gold his house is made of, but it is kind of nice to see that vice can take a hit in this economy too. Next thing you know Vegas will just be a town with six or seven bingo halls and a collection of rotting buildings. Kind of like the end of The Stand, but with more homeless whores. Well, that might be going too far.

3. Anne Hathaway – I’m seeing a lot of this freak lately, due to her involvement with the new Get Smart movie, and quite frankly she scares me a little. I still don’t get why she didn’t get the role of the Joker in the new Batman movie. She’d have been a shoe in; no acid bath scene or make-up for her face needed, it is all natural. I haven’t been that frightened by someone’s grille since, well, ever. Not even the Big Book of British Smiles is that horrific.

4. Megan Fox – apparently might be smarter than we gave her credit for, which admittedly wouldn’t be very hard. She has been seen without her engagement ring on, which can only lead me to the assumption that she figured out that her fiancé won it off of an eBay 90210 prop auction. Of course labeling either of these two pinheads as ‘smart’ is like calling the latest Larry the Cable Guy movie ‘engaging,’ or ‘witty,’ or ‘not as shitty as it could have been,’ well you get the point.

5. Tom Cruise – is on the downward slope. Finally. It has taken a remarkable convergence of events, but we are all going to be spared his tight, slightly homicidal grin when he tries to pretend that everyone on the set of Mission: Impossible 4 just loved his contribution to the Human Fund in lieu of Christmas gifts. I don’t want to see that vacuous bag of wind anywhere until he’s old enough to do cameos as Old Man Winter in the new Mr. Plow commercial.

Homer

Fatass!

Apparently, in spite of the fact she feels she is too good in bed to learn to cook, Kate feels she has a big, flabby butt. It must be a burden being her. Sometimes celebrities just need a giant cup of STFU.

Homer

This Things I Believe 6/11

Homer hasn’t forgotten the VanBlogger. Here are some thoughts from the last week:

1. Fascinating Fact of the Day – Amy Winehouse is only 24 years old. I’d put a picture of her up, but we need to keep crap like that off the blog. I can’t imagine the odds in Vegas against her seeing her 26th birthday. At this point the only thing she’s needs to do to hit rock bottom is to get a Tyson-esqe face tattoo. It could only help.

2. Brad Pitt = George Costanza? – Apparently so. Acting is his job, but architecture is his passion. He is allegedly going to help design a building in Europe. I hope they call it the Vandelay Building before it collapses.

3. Pamela Anderson – Is back in the news, not for accidentally killing someone with her latest set of breasts, but for selling her Viper for charity. It’s good to know what her nickname for Tommy’s junk is before she unloads it anyway.

4. Tori Spelling – Spawned again. And I keep hearing about it. I’m starting to feel like the ancient Israelites must have felt in the Old Testament. What have we done to piss you off God? Can we sacrifice a small horse, or maybe Sarah Jessica Parker to you for forgiveness? (I heard a radio guy give the news on this the other day – he said that witnesses reported that the baby has her father’s eyes and her mother’s hooves and shiny mane.)

5. Patty Kirkpatrick – Forgive me, but will someone please attach a warning to Channel 3’s HD ads featuring her and the loser who can only cover polygamists? Holy Hell, they scared the shit out of me last night as I was watching television. I keep hearing about how HD is going to drive out the remaining ugly people in local news. We’ve got some work to do here in the Valley, I’m hitting D’Amico’s place first.

6. Apparently Paul Newman is Dying – Gee, what was the first clue? The fact that he’s 83? I mean cancer sucks and all, but really, once you hit 80 if it isn’t one thing it is going to be something else. Spare me the ‘tragic’ talk here too. He’s probably still burning a cig while he’s sipping Newman’s Own juice and having money fights with Joanne Woodward. Tough life, I think I’ll spend my sympathy elsewhere.

7. Why the hell didn’t I pick Winehouse and Newman in my death pool? You hear that Goodman, you crazy doughnut eating dyke?

8. Mel Gibson – What happened? From Braveheart to Brittney mentor? Look, unless you’re calling her Sugar-tits and knocking back Mochiatos in an orgy of cream, coffee, and sugar, why would anyone want to spend more than 3 minutes talking to this girl? She’s ugly, talent-less, and stupid. She makes Jessica Simpson appear to have average intelligence. Even in disgrace and old age Mel can pull better than this Louisiana shit stain.

9. New Ideas – Are on their way to the blog. At least I think so. Check it out tomorrow.

10. Iron Man was very cool. He would have been cooler if the Sabbath song would have played continuously for the entire movie, but it was still a kick-ass movie.

Weezer - Pork And Beans

Fan damn tastic.

lolnay says: I Can Has Opinions Too?

The Happening? Yeah that movie looks freaky, but good freaky. I think I can go see it. Or maybe rent it, because I'll probably need to fast forward past the part with the old people. I hate old people. I don't know if this is a spoiler or not (sorry if it is), but I can handle extreme violence when it's not related to the Debbil. The IMDB message boards related to this movie are hilarious, as usual, by the way. According to most of the movie nerds who post there, 98% of the posters and their viewpoints are "gay". That's a lot of gay.

The Simpsons is in its 20th season. And still going. I think we can all agree, Hillary Clinton is not the only one who doesn't know how to bow out gracefully. It's time.

Bo Diddley dies. I know somehow, in some way, I'm supposed to care about this, because he's a legend or whatever, but the truth is, I really don't get why it's making news on TMZ and other gossip blogs. Unless he's boinking Katie Holmes or releasing a line of designer jeans with Heidi Montag, keep it to the AP.

Tatum O'Neal is in the news. I'm sorry, did I miss something, or are Has-Beens the new Are-Nows? What's Kristy McNichol up to these days? How about Denise Richa.... oh never mind. I give up.

This Things I Believe 6/2

I love this title, so I am going to continue to use it.

1. Scrap Gold – I have been seeing commercials for this for the past couple of years, but with the economy going in the tank and gold going through the roof, this ‘industry’ is becoming more and more visible. I don’t get it, I mean really unless you are a ghoul, raiding graves by yanking teeth of the dead and such, there is no such thing as “scrap gold.” C’mon, it’s fucking gold, by definition you don’t scrap it.

2. It’s Always Sunny in Phoenix – but it isn’t nearly as offensive or funny as Philadelphia. CB and Nay bought me the first season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia for my birthday and quite frankly, I don’t know if I have ever seen a television show that revels in it’s offensiveness quite so much as this show. There is at least one moment of “did they really just say that?” in every episode. I was appalled, that I haven’t been watching.

3. The merciful end – of the Van Halen IV tour happens tonight. Just go away Ed, just preserve what dignity you have left (if there is any). I’m glad that I saw it, it was a fun time to go to Vegas and hang out with my friend, but Ed needs to either practice or stay holed up in his studio with a bottle of Smoking Loon.

4. The NBA Finals are set – and does anyone give a damn? I would care more if the Suns were in the finals, but really I guess I’m that out of touch with the sporting world because if they told me they would have to cancel the finals because of another crooked ref, I wouldn’t even blink an eye.

5. Do the Suns have a coach yet? – I am more than willing to throw my hat into the ring. I would bring a defensive approach (Tarkanian’s “Amoeba” Defense is amazing) and would fire Doris Meow. If nothing eles, I can cash the hell out of those checks, making me just as effective as Shaq at this point.

This Things I Believe

1. Memorial Day – Has always been one of my favorite holidays. It kicks off the summer, but it also is a reminder for us all to remember those who have made our lazy, narcissitic society to be as lazy and self-involved as we want to be.

2. “Ewan McGregor Will Not Do ‘Porno’” – Was the headline on AZCentral earlier this week. I could only imagine Nay jumping off of a cliff. Sorry Nay.

3. Lindsay Lohan is Gay – Wow, what a shocker. What was the first clue? Oh yeah, those pictures of her kissing a really ugly girl. I don’t understand lesbians. I mean I get the attraction to the female form, but why do they always date chicks that look like dudes? I mean if I were gay, I’d want to date a good looking dude, of course then people would talk about him and his questionable taste in men, creating a vicious circle of hate, prompting some lame blog post.

4. Bill Murray – is a wife-beating alcoholic. Will the shocks never cease? I’m just curious as to why there aren’t provisions in celebrity pre-nups prohibiting the airing of dirty laundry lest there be no financial settlement. That would make sense, or at least more sense than Bill Murray being on the news in 2008. I know we'll hear about Bill's upcoming stint in rehab until I'm ready to feed him to a gopher, so I'll say it in advance: Go back to hell Bill Murray.

5. Finally, Wednesday was the 10th anniversary of the the tragic shooting death of Phil Hartman. What a waste, I had a whole rant prepared to discuss the petty whore who killed him, but I’ll let it go. RIP Mr. Hartman.

Homer

Homer's 5

Hey, Homer here, stealing someone’s wireless router for the moment, so I thought I’d post a moving-delayed Big 5:

1. Carmen’s Last Stand – Happened on the cover of this month’s Cosmopolitan. She’s been looking really rough lately, so whatever the Photoshop Wizards had to do is appreciated. No, this is an older picture of Carmen, but you get the idea.

2. Rockies Suck – Yes they do. But even better is the fact that their stadium is one of the worst in MLB when it comes to sanitation. 16 vermin citations in 2007. I knew there were rats on the team, Culo-witzki I’m looking at you, I just didn’t know that they were in the kitchen as well (that’s right, I used a Spanish swear word, 3 years of high school Spanish weren’t wasted on me).

3. The Hills – Someone please explain this shit to me. I need some sort of logical explanation as to why my inter-web is infested with pictures of these ass-hats. The only time that I need to see a picture of Spencer is after his corpse has been ravened in a rabid weasel attack. The weasel-king needs to smack his own.

4. Spy-Gate – This week marked the end of the NFL’s spying controversy. I object to the term Spy-Gate, as it seems more than slightly ludicrous that we could equate the Patriots spying on the Jets and the rest of the league with a controversy that brought down the President of the United States. Many pundits are complaining; I would like to see the pundits work for a living.

5. Hillary Wins! – In another meaningless contest. Go away harpy, I think your husband is snorting powdered sugar off of a stripper’s ass. Again.

6. Damn, those Germans just get it – I believe the term is schadenfreude. It is taking delight in the miseries of others. And I am feeling it today. Coach-Strangler and all-around a-hole Latrell Spreewell is apparently in some serious financial difficulties. Too bad, this is the same guy who turned down a three-year, $21 million dollar contract that he found ‘insulting’ a few years back. He hasn’t played in the NBA since. Maybe he can find work assaulting puffy white guys, but I figure that market is being cornered by Pac-Man Jones.

7. Mr. and Mrs. Ashlee Simpson – I’ve been trying to figure out who exactly got the better of this union, and it seems to be the exact opposite of Brangelina, a perfect storm of no-talent, unattractive people. Someone kill their offspring before it is allowed to find new depths of the gene pool.

8. Finally, it is a terrible day for closeted gay men. Mike Piazza, he of the world’s worst (or best, it depends on your point of view) prison-pussy, has decided to retire. Or, more correctly, the forces of the free market decided it for him. Maybe he can hold another presser to reiterate his hetero-ness, just for old time’s sake.

Not for Renee

Sometimes at work people send these motivational poster things around and they're almost always funny. This is my favorite for the moment...

Guys backflip into jeans

I'd be afraid of junk injuries.

Homer's Big 5 - The New Home

1. Death of a Blog – No, this is not another “Oh, I’m so sad the vanblogger’s dead” post, but rather my other blog will be going on hiatus. It is too bad too, because that means that thevanblogger will be the recipient of all of my new nonsensical posts. Like the big five stories of the week (which were a weekly posting of sorts over on the other place).

2. Death to Asston Kuchar – or whatever his name is. Has he done anything of worth outside of Kelso? Punk’d was tolerable until people figured out what he was doing, but if you are going to play a single character for your entire career, it should really have more substance than some Milwakee stoner. Everyday that Bruce Willis doesn’t kick the hell out of him, leaving him a bloody mess in a Hollywood gutter, he should just count as a blessing from God.

3. Is Speed Racer the result of a Satanic Pact? That is the only explanation that I can come up with for the creation of this shit-fest. Let’s run down the Wachowski Brothers track record for a second shall we? The Matrix trilogy (the first one makes the existence of the other two okay, or at least tolerable), a seriously underrated V for Vendetta and then Speed Racer? The only plausible explanation is that they are making Speed Racer to pay the devil off for their successes in exchange for letting them make a couple of really good movies and letting Larry keep his junk intact.

4. Brandon Webb – continues to bitch-slap the National League. That is all.

5. Travel Writers Cheat? I don’t know if any of you have heard about this, but apparently there is a good deal of controversy going around about a gentleman who wrote for Lonely Planet guidebooks, who apparently wrote about a country he had never visited. Amazing how that works, huh? Hey can I sign up for that too? I’ll take your money and never go anywhere too. I want to pretend to go to Russia. I think it’d be bitchin’, and expensive.

Wow, I Never Want to Meet the Guy

Who buys this. The original comment I saw with this was "a remote control and birth control device all rolled into one." I have nothing to add to this. Anyone willing to spend $2200 on this needs to be neutered, but really, they are doing a good job of that on their own.

Homer

Underwater Welding for CB