This Things I Believe

1. Memorial Day – Has always been one of my favorite holidays. It kicks off the summer, but it also is a reminder for us all to remember those who have made our lazy, narcissitic society to be as lazy and self-involved as we want to be.

2. “Ewan McGregor Will Not Do ‘Porno’” – Was the headline on AZCentral earlier this week. I could only imagine Nay jumping off of a cliff. Sorry Nay.

3. Lindsay Lohan is Gay – Wow, what a shocker. What was the first clue? Oh yeah, those pictures of her kissing a really ugly girl. I don’t understand lesbians. I mean I get the attraction to the female form, but why do they always date chicks that look like dudes? I mean if I were gay, I’d want to date a good looking dude, of course then people would talk about him and his questionable taste in men, creating a vicious circle of hate, prompting some lame blog post.

4. Bill Murray – is a wife-beating alcoholic. Will the shocks never cease? I’m just curious as to why there aren’t provisions in celebrity pre-nups prohibiting the airing of dirty laundry lest there be no financial settlement. That would make sense, or at least more sense than Bill Murray being on the news in 2008. I know we'll hear about Bill's upcoming stint in rehab until I'm ready to feed him to a gopher, so I'll say it in advance: Go back to hell Bill Murray.

5. Finally, Wednesday was the 10th anniversary of the the tragic shooting death of Phil Hartman. What a waste, I had a whole rant prepared to discuss the petty whore who killed him, but I’ll let it go. RIP Mr. Hartman.

Homer

Homer's 5

Hey, Homer here, stealing someone’s wireless router for the moment, so I thought I’d post a moving-delayed Big 5:

1. Carmen’s Last Stand – Happened on the cover of this month’s Cosmopolitan. She’s been looking really rough lately, so whatever the Photoshop Wizards had to do is appreciated. No, this is an older picture of Carmen, but you get the idea.

2. Rockies Suck – Yes they do. But even better is the fact that their stadium is one of the worst in MLB when it comes to sanitation. 16 vermin citations in 2007. I knew there were rats on the team, Culo-witzki I’m looking at you, I just didn’t know that they were in the kitchen as well (that’s right, I used a Spanish swear word, 3 years of high school Spanish weren’t wasted on me).

3. The Hills – Someone please explain this shit to me. I need some sort of logical explanation as to why my inter-web is infested with pictures of these ass-hats. The only time that I need to see a picture of Spencer is after his corpse has been ravened in a rabid weasel attack. The weasel-king needs to smack his own.

4. Spy-Gate – This week marked the end of the NFL’s spying controversy. I object to the term Spy-Gate, as it seems more than slightly ludicrous that we could equate the Patriots spying on the Jets and the rest of the league with a controversy that brought down the President of the United States. Many pundits are complaining; I would like to see the pundits work for a living.

5. Hillary Wins! – In another meaningless contest. Go away harpy, I think your husband is snorting powdered sugar off of a stripper’s ass. Again.

6. Damn, those Germans just get it – I believe the term is schadenfreude. It is taking delight in the miseries of others. And I am feeling it today. Coach-Strangler and all-around a-hole Latrell Spreewell is apparently in some serious financial difficulties. Too bad, this is the same guy who turned down a three-year, $21 million dollar contract that he found ‘insulting’ a few years back. He hasn’t played in the NBA since. Maybe he can find work assaulting puffy white guys, but I figure that market is being cornered by Pac-Man Jones.

7. Mr. and Mrs. Ashlee Simpson – I’ve been trying to figure out who exactly got the better of this union, and it seems to be the exact opposite of Brangelina, a perfect storm of no-talent, unattractive people. Someone kill their offspring before it is allowed to find new depths of the gene pool.

8. Finally, it is a terrible day for closeted gay men. Mike Piazza, he of the world’s worst (or best, it depends on your point of view) prison-pussy, has decided to retire. Or, more correctly, the forces of the free market decided it for him. Maybe he can hold another presser to reiterate his hetero-ness, just for old time’s sake.

Not for Renee

Sometimes at work people send these motivational poster things around and they're almost always funny. This is my favorite for the moment...

Guys backflip into jeans

I'd be afraid of junk injuries.

Homer's Big 5 - The New Home

1. Death of a Blog – No, this is not another “Oh, I’m so sad the vanblogger’s dead” post, but rather my other blog will be going on hiatus. It is too bad too, because that means that thevanblogger will be the recipient of all of my new nonsensical posts. Like the big five stories of the week (which were a weekly posting of sorts over on the other place).

2. Death to Asston Kuchar – or whatever his name is. Has he done anything of worth outside of Kelso? Punk’d was tolerable until people figured out what he was doing, but if you are going to play a single character for your entire career, it should really have more substance than some Milwakee stoner. Everyday that Bruce Willis doesn’t kick the hell out of him, leaving him a bloody mess in a Hollywood gutter, he should just count as a blessing from God.

3. Is Speed Racer the result of a Satanic Pact? That is the only explanation that I can come up with for the creation of this shit-fest. Let’s run down the Wachowski Brothers track record for a second shall we? The Matrix trilogy (the first one makes the existence of the other two okay, or at least tolerable), a seriously underrated V for Vendetta and then Speed Racer? The only plausible explanation is that they are making Speed Racer to pay the devil off for their successes in exchange for letting them make a couple of really good movies and letting Larry keep his junk intact.

4. Brandon Webb – continues to bitch-slap the National League. That is all.

5. Travel Writers Cheat? I don’t know if any of you have heard about this, but apparently there is a good deal of controversy going around about a gentleman who wrote for Lonely Planet guidebooks, who apparently wrote about a country he had never visited. Amazing how that works, huh? Hey can I sign up for that too? I’ll take your money and never go anywhere too. I want to pretend to go to Russia. I think it’d be bitchin’, and expensive.

Wow, I Never Want to Meet the Guy

Who buys this. The original comment I saw with this was "a remote control and birth control device all rolled into one." I have nothing to add to this. Anyone willing to spend $2200 on this needs to be neutered, but really, they are doing a good job of that on their own.

Homer

Underwater Welding for CB

Your Daily Dose of Dio

Thank me later,

Homer

Hell yeah!

Homer

We're On Our Way

Am I making it Appointment Television? Yes.

This. is. serious.

I love my brother... -VG

Another tuff day at the office? Indeed.... On the way home CB informed me that he had spent the last hour of work shaking up a hornets nest on the Denver Post. See, what we have here is a classic example of the van clans love of good baseball and superior sarcasm. CB writing under the name of "Rockies Hater" wrote the following sending the fine citizen of the mile high city into a tizzy fit.....

"First of all, let me congratulate your precious Troy Tulowitzki on a stellar 2008. I'm sure he's got his mouth shut now... especially after that little run-in with Upton earlier this season. A rookie calling out another rookie. Hahahaha! It's also interesting that Brandon Webb has more RBI than Tulowitzki. Good lord, what are you paying this kid for? His mouth? Hell, give me a bat and I might be able to accidentally hit .149. I sure as hell could get 0 RBI.

Secondly. Getting shut-out at Petco. Awesome. Can you imagine how your Rockies feel going in to San Diego after lucking their way in to the playoffs last year? There's earning a playoff spot and then there's getting in via a blown call.

Honestly, though, it must be painful to have to swallow the words of Eric Byrnes. You guys really were just lucky. It's delightful to watch. Your luck has run out and your record can't help but show that.

Meanwhile, the Arizona Diamondbacks are at the top of the Division, looking to win another series in just a couple of minutes here. Our batch of young talent seems to have actually gotten better over the winter.

Will the D-Backs have a slide this year. Sure. At some point. Will the Rox wake up. Sure. At some point. But these first few weeks are quite telling. And yes, my D-Backs got swept out last year by this team. I can handle that. We played poorly that series. But if you're going to point to that series as any kind of response to this post then you should also point out getting swept yourselves.

I have as many World Series wins as the Rockies. So do the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes last year, Rockies fans.

Again, congratulations on the season. And to think there's only 5 1/2 months left to go."

CB's Weight Loss Party Is Under "Weigh"

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm so badradical. Anyhow. How's everyone doing? Yesterday I was satisfied all the way up to my lunch hour and then Brandt took me to a delicious place for lunch that ended up eating all but 0.5 of my points. So I had a vegetable dinner. I think the hardest part for me will be cutting down on the snacking in the evening hours. That seems to be my Waterloo.

Step Brothers Trailer

Okay, first, I'll own up. It's not C. Thomas Reilly, it's John C. Reilly, but it is C. Thomas Howell, except C. Thomas Howell is not in this movie. Which is too bad, because it looks hilarious, and I think Ponyboy in blackface could only add to the awesomeness.

Is anyone else just so NOT sick of these movies yet? I could watch them all day. Even if they do give us full-frontal male nudity when we least expect it.

Very interesting

This article is long but it is well worth your time. Basically, the Washington Post took America's best violinist and had him play a busy train station terminal in Washington. A well crafted article with good insight on our appreciation of the arts. Not condescending at all, but does make you think...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html

CB's Weight loss Party

...or would that be weightloss party? Who cares?

Anyway, me and the Nay have had some very casual conversation about how we'd like to shed a few. For instance, did you know that when the CB started at Chase he came in at a cool 175 and is now at least 230?

So here it is. I plan on doing Weight Watchers. Counting points seems to be a reasonable diet plan for me since I tend to enjoy all kinds of food. I just need to learn to enjoy them in moderation.

So I'm putting it out there. Who else wants in? I'll probably start very soon, but I don't have a specific time nailed down because I wanted to see if anyone else wanted to party down with me (us).

Feelings!

I found this online, I'm sure it is old, but damn it is great. Anyway, which emotion did Steven express when Kelly LeBrock left him? I'm betting wistful.

Homer

Sit Down and Take a Deep Breath VG

I saw this tonight on the interweb:

Sex tapes come and sex tapes go, some of them suck, and some of them blow. But there's a new sex tape that probably does all of the above and more. According to AOL Latino Musica, there is a Shakira sex tape that involves her, her boyfriend, Antonio de la Rúa, and Spanish singer-songwriter, Alejandro Sanz. That's right, a Shakira sex tape threesome! How's that for caliente? Sound too good to be true? Well, it would sound better if it was two girls and one guy, instead of the other way around, but according to the report, the sex tape is being held as evidence in a trial against Sanz, which basically means it totally exists (even though both singers deny it).

A home-made tape could involve Spanish singer-songwriter Alejandro Sanz, Colombian pop diva Shakira and her boyfriend, Antonio de la Rúa, in sexual intercourse together aboard a yacht owned by Sanz.

According to Internet portal Infobae.com, the tape is being held by the prosecutors evaluating the case against Carlos González and his wife, Sylvia Alzate, Sanz ex-employees who are accused of extortion against the artist.

In a recent interview, Javier Ceriani, host of the radio show "Zona Cero", said "there's word of a private video taped in a yacht, which could involve Alejandro Sanz, Shakira and Antonio de la Rúa, but this material is in the prosecutors' hands".

He stated that, according to the prosecutor, "if some of this tape's content would be made public, it could seriously threaten the singer and couple's private life".
Yup, the bar for celebrity sex tapes has just been set that much higher. You hear that Lindsay? A plain old vanilla sex tape just isn't going to cut it anymore. You either go big, or go home.

I guess I know what VG wants for Christmas huh?

Homer

What the Hell Happened???

I'll make this confession to any who don't know:

I love Rock of Love.

Bret Michaels and the ferret that lives on his head is fantastic television. There are psuedo-whores, real whores, and all manner of freak who vie for the 'opportunity' to date a washed up hair-band singer whose hair he gets in bulk discount. Talk about fun! Anyway, the freak this season is this 'Daisy' gal (which apparently isn't her real name) who is Oscar DeLaHoya's niece. She looks like a clown who was in some sort of industrial fire. Her face is sliding off, and the rest of her is plastic. She's just a mess, and Bret spends no less that five minutes of every show talking about how hot she is, which just shows you the sliding scale that musicians have for their groupies.

Anyway, here is a pre-whoredom picture of Daisy where she looks almost human. What happened to her? Did she lose a bet? Get caught in a fire? Or is Bret's saliva (among other things) that toxic? And let's not go crazy and say she's attractive in that particular picture, she just doesn't look as shitty.

Your disturbing post of the day,

Homer

It's Learnin' Time!

So how is it that it takes me a year to find this wonderful learning tool? Who needs a dictionary now? I know that the Vanilla Gorilla doesn't.

T&A isn't just for objectification anymore!

Homer

Kids In the Hall - Old Yeller conclusion-vg