This Things I Believe 6/19

1. Jennifer Aniston – needs the Garth Algar version of reality hitting her in the face. She allegedly did not want to appear on the cover of some magazine with Jennifer Connelly due to the fact that she (Aniston) needed to be the dominant ‘sexy’ one on the cover. Look, I get that Aniston standing next to Connelly is somewhat akin to Brittney Spears standing next to a steaming pile of shit. There is just no win for Aniston or Spears there, but that is no reason to deny the rest of the world more magazine covers with people who look like Jennifer Connelly. Someday Aniston will recover from being left by Pitt, it’s just not going to change the fact that her once cute shtick has been played and she just needs to go away and keep humping somewhat talented pseudo-elephant men like Vince Vaughn and John Mayer while keeping her eyes closed and pretending she’s still on television and it really is Brad on top.

2. Vegas – With the economy in the shitter, Vegas is complaining about their revenues dipping to $12.4 billion this year. Gee, that’s too bad. Does this mean that they are going to drop their room rates? Well, since the average room rate is down 4%, I guess that’s like asking if they will at least kiss you before you go to the tables. I don’t think that Steve Wynn is losing any of the gold his house is made of, but it is kind of nice to see that vice can take a hit in this economy too. Next thing you know Vegas will just be a town with six or seven bingo halls and a collection of rotting buildings. Kind of like the end of The Stand, but with more homeless whores. Well, that might be going too far.

3. Anne Hathaway – I’m seeing a lot of this freak lately, due to her involvement with the new Get Smart movie, and quite frankly she scares me a little. I still don’t get why she didn’t get the role of the Joker in the new Batman movie. She’d have been a shoe in; no acid bath scene or make-up for her face needed, it is all natural. I haven’t been that frightened by someone’s grille since, well, ever. Not even the Big Book of British Smiles is that horrific.

4. Megan Fox – apparently might be smarter than we gave her credit for, which admittedly wouldn’t be very hard. She has been seen without her engagement ring on, which can only lead me to the assumption that she figured out that her fiancé won it off of an eBay 90210 prop auction. Of course labeling either of these two pinheads as ‘smart’ is like calling the latest Larry the Cable Guy movie ‘engaging,’ or ‘witty,’ or ‘not as shitty as it could have been,’ well you get the point.

5. Tom Cruise – is on the downward slope. Finally. It has taken a remarkable convergence of events, but we are all going to be spared his tight, slightly homicidal grin when he tries to pretend that everyone on the set of Mission: Impossible 4 just loved his contribution to the Human Fund in lieu of Christmas gifts. I don’t want to see that vacuous bag of wind anywhere until he’s old enough to do cameos as Old Man Winter in the new Mr. Plow commercial.

Homer