The VanBlogger Dead Pool

Fear not gentle readers, for Homer has not forgotten his entry into our little game. What follows is not a mere listing of what public figure will go gently off into that good night, but a brief explanation as to why I believe these 5 won’t make it out of 2008 still breathing.

1. Regis Philbin – The talent deprived of America salute you, Mr. Monochrome. I’m not sure how David Letterman will survive the blow, but Regis’ deal with Lucifer is nigh. He achieved fame and fortune how exactly? Swinging off of Joey Bishop’s sack will only get you so far. Guess what Regis, Joey’s dead and it is time for you to lie down and join him again for the dirt-nap.
2. John Goodman – Who some people will tell you looks more and more like his own planet nowadays, he just keeps getting fatter and fatter. He is moving past maximum density and is about to start just oozing lard from his pores. My prediction is that he’ll sign a Jenny Craig contract this spring, lose 50 pounds and then relapse with a Twinkie and Ho-Ho binge at the Chateau Marmont to complete the John Belushi special. Dead by Thanksgiving.
3. Bill Clinton – One bypass surgery already, you just know that once Hillary fails this fall that all control she had on Bill will be gone, spiraling him out of control. Cut off from his supply of interns and campaign trail groupies, Bill will end up in a hotel room eating powdered donuts off of some random desk-clerk’s chest till he kicks off in a puffy, sweaty haze.
4. Britney Spears – I’ll go with the obvious one here. Just look what a diet of crystal meth and caramel mochiatos does to a girl. Sexy! Her recent bout of crazy is just the jump-off point for her terminal spiral – the one you know will result in a blurry sex-tape with a dirty paparazzo, another stint in rehab, and an overdose that leaves here dead on a Hollywood sidewalk covered in vomit (not all of it hers)- all caught on tape.
5. Lindsay Lohan – Again, another obvious one, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, or even Dr. Phil, to figure out that this girl is in trouble. She is ostensibly trying to give up drugs and alcohol, but she is substituting sex with random guys for the high of the drugs. Sounds good in theory, but she’s going to end up pulling a Michael Hutchence (pun intended), killing herself to get that ultimate sexual experience. The coroner better be wearing a HAZMAT suit, that’s all I gotta say.

So that’s it, that is my list. I’ll just call the bonus shot at Rick D’Amico, when he bites it, I’m buying at the Circle K.

Homer