Back to Five

As baseball, and the first-place Diamondbacks, head into the stretch run, here are the five things turning over in my mind today.

1. I thought that I would do this in a separate post, but you know, every time I wrote something it came out creepy and kinda gross, so I just thought I'd throw my answers to the list question in the last post out here, in no particular order (I could only really come up with three, with photographic evidence):

A. Kate Beckinsale - C'mon, you knew this.




B. Megan Fox - Dumb? Probably. Distractingly hot? Yep.




C. Jennifer Connolly - Really, she is Megan Fox version 1 (or would Megan be Jennifer 2.0?), but smarter and prettier.




2. Amy Winehouse - is receiving blood deliveries at home. Funny how her being a cracked out vampire is actually a step up from her recent appearances. It would explain a bunch, but I guess I'll step up and volunteer to drive a stake in her heart. I can only hope that a stake would do the job, as I'm not convinced she's not a zombie at this point.

3. K-Fed - is getting $20,000 a month in child support to go along with primary custody of his kids. How is he going to make ends meet? Of course he does get about a quarter a month in record company residuals. PopoZao baby!

4. Tom Cruise - is going to continue our discussion of destitute celebrities. Apparently, Maverick is going to have to start considering taking film roles where he won't get his standard $20 million paycheck. How is he going to lure Xenu here back to earth without buckets of gold? I think I'll send him a shiny nickel, you know just to help him out.

5. Whoopie Goldberg - is now claiming that she has had over fifty lovers in her life. Excuse me while I throw up. Okay, I'm back now, I can only suppose that crack goggles are far more effective than beer goggles, because I would literally have to be comatose to not become violently ill at the thought of Whoopie and her gigantic vag (according to Sam Malone). A quick note: I saw Whoopie at a casino in Lake Tahoe about twenty years ago, she had her row of quarter slots cordoned off so no one could approach her. Hey Whoopie, if you are going to be such a cheap bastard, don't get all upset when a slot jocky wants to bum a smoke off of you, okay?

The Dark Five

1. The List – I was reading one of my favorite sites the other day when they were asking their readers about which celebrities they’d like to “date.” It was kind of serendipitous due to the fact that I was just commiserating with themo about how Chow Young Fat had fallen off of hers. So, my little Vanbloggies, who makes the cut in 2008? Think about it and let’s see the results.

2. Ferris Bueller – Allegedly cheated on his wife. Look, I’m not going to excuse adultery, but since Sarah is only marginally human, shouldn’t we give Ferris a break here? I mean, how many times does the paper bag have to rip before he just buys Sarah a new saddle blanket and moseys back into town for some lovin?

3. Brooke Hogan – is supposedly considering posing nude for Playboy. I haven’t read the Bible lately, isn’t this another sign of the apocalypse?

4. X-Files – Wouldn’t this second sequel have been better oh, about eight years ago? Who did Gillian Anderson have to seduce in order for her to get some work?

5. Russia – Uncle Joe would be proud. Russia has just started cracking down on gothic/emo websites and dress. I get that the little emo sissies are annoying and even deserve the scorn and derision of an entire nation, but do we really need to ship them off to the gulags? On second thought, a little hard work would be good for them. Can I organize a little involuntary trip for some of the losers I see at the mall?


Homer

Overwhelmed

So I went and saw the new Batman movie this weekend, and quite frankly I don't know what to say about it other than wow. To be honest it was a little overwhelming in it's ambition, is it a comic book movie or or a kick-ass action/drama that happens to feature a dude in a bat-suit? I can't really say, but it was really good. So I guess the question is, have any of you Vanbloggers seen it yet? What did you think?

Homer

The Homer of July

So Homer went on vacation without the laptop and consequently, he’s rusty as hell. Oh well. Anyway, here’s five things poking my brain.

1. Arizona State – was recently ranked as the #1 school for athletics by Sports Illustrated. The 2007-2008 sports seasons were great for the Sun Devils, so suck it Mildcat fans.

2. Brett Fav….I’m not even going to finish his name. He just flat out needs to shut his pie hole and stay in Mississippi. Go hunt, or fish, or burn crosses, or whatever the hell they do down there, just stay the hell off of my television. Maybe he can get distracted by the stray Oxycontin pill that rolled under his entertainment center.

3. The Ferret – that lives on top of Bret Michaels’ head is back! In case you didn’t know, Rock of Love will be back for a third installment. I’m starting to think that maybe Bret doesn’t take this too seriously. Maybe this time they can mix things up by relaxing the stringent casting guidelines; you know, Bret just can’t have anything in common with all of the scientists and engineers that they have been casting the past couple of seasons.

4. In more shocking news – Andy Dick was arrested for fondling a 17 year old girl. A girl. Wow, who woulda thunk?

5. Two and a Half Men – received another Emmy nomination today. Do the voters even have televisions? Or is it all a grand scheme of retribution against Denise Richards (which I’d actually be alright with)? At least 30 Rock got a nomination, Alec Baldwin is just a damn genius.



Well, that’s it for today kids, does anyone know when the new Batman movie comes out? I haven’t heard a thing.

Homer