Homer's 5

Hey, Homer here, stealing someone’s wireless router for the moment, so I thought I’d post a moving-delayed Big 5:

1. Carmen’s Last Stand – Happened on the cover of this month’s Cosmopolitan. She’s been looking really rough lately, so whatever the Photoshop Wizards had to do is appreciated. No, this is an older picture of Carmen, but you get the idea.

2. Rockies Suck – Yes they do. But even better is the fact that their stadium is one of the worst in MLB when it comes to sanitation. 16 vermin citations in 2007. I knew there were rats on the team, Culo-witzki I’m looking at you, I just didn’t know that they were in the kitchen as well (that’s right, I used a Spanish swear word, 3 years of high school Spanish weren’t wasted on me).

3. The Hills – Someone please explain this shit to me. I need some sort of logical explanation as to why my inter-web is infested with pictures of these ass-hats. The only time that I need to see a picture of Spencer is after his corpse has been ravened in a rabid weasel attack. The weasel-king needs to smack his own.

4. Spy-Gate – This week marked the end of the NFL’s spying controversy. I object to the term Spy-Gate, as it seems more than slightly ludicrous that we could equate the Patriots spying on the Jets and the rest of the league with a controversy that brought down the President of the United States. Many pundits are complaining; I would like to see the pundits work for a living.

5. Hillary Wins! – In another meaningless contest. Go away harpy, I think your husband is snorting powdered sugar off of a stripper’s ass. Again.

6. Damn, those Germans just get it – I believe the term is schadenfreude. It is taking delight in the miseries of others. And I am feeling it today. Coach-Strangler and all-around a-hole Latrell Spreewell is apparently in some serious financial difficulties. Too bad, this is the same guy who turned down a three-year, $21 million dollar contract that he found ‘insulting’ a few years back. He hasn’t played in the NBA since. Maybe he can find work assaulting puffy white guys, but I figure that market is being cornered by Pac-Man Jones.

7. Mr. and Mrs. Ashlee Simpson – I’ve been trying to figure out who exactly got the better of this union, and it seems to be the exact opposite of Brangelina, a perfect storm of no-talent, unattractive people. Someone kill their offspring before it is allowed to find new depths of the gene pool.

8. Finally, it is a terrible day for closeted gay men. Mike Piazza, he of the world’s worst (or best, it depends on your point of view) prison-pussy, has decided to retire. Or, more correctly, the forces of the free market decided it for him. Maybe he can hold another presser to reiterate his hetero-ness, just for old time’s sake.