This Things I Believe

1. Memorial Day – Has always been one of my favorite holidays. It kicks off the summer, but it also is a reminder for us all to remember those who have made our lazy, narcissitic society to be as lazy and self-involved as we want to be.

2. “Ewan McGregor Will Not Do ‘Porno’” – Was the headline on AZCentral earlier this week. I could only imagine Nay jumping off of a cliff. Sorry Nay.

3. Lindsay Lohan is Gay – Wow, what a shocker. What was the first clue? Oh yeah, those pictures of her kissing a really ugly girl. I don’t understand lesbians. I mean I get the attraction to the female form, but why do they always date chicks that look like dudes? I mean if I were gay, I’d want to date a good looking dude, of course then people would talk about him and his questionable taste in men, creating a vicious circle of hate, prompting some lame blog post.

4. Bill Murray – is a wife-beating alcoholic. Will the shocks never cease? I’m just curious as to why there aren’t provisions in celebrity pre-nups prohibiting the airing of dirty laundry lest there be no financial settlement. That would make sense, or at least more sense than Bill Murray being on the news in 2008. I know we'll hear about Bill's upcoming stint in rehab until I'm ready to feed him to a gopher, so I'll say it in advance: Go back to hell Bill Murray.

5. Finally, Wednesday was the 10th anniversary of the the tragic shooting death of Phil Hartman. What a waste, I had a whole rant prepared to discuss the petty whore who killed him, but I’ll let it go. RIP Mr. Hartman.

Homer

Homer's 5

Hey, Homer here, stealing someone’s wireless router for the moment, so I thought I’d post a moving-delayed Big 5:

1. Carmen’s Last Stand – Happened on the cover of this month’s Cosmopolitan. She’s been looking really rough lately, so whatever the Photoshop Wizards had to do is appreciated. No, this is an older picture of Carmen, but you get the idea.

2. Rockies Suck – Yes they do. But even better is the fact that their stadium is one of the worst in MLB when it comes to sanitation. 16 vermin citations in 2007. I knew there were rats on the team, Culo-witzki I’m looking at you, I just didn’t know that they were in the kitchen as well (that’s right, I used a Spanish swear word, 3 years of high school Spanish weren’t wasted on me).

3. The Hills – Someone please explain this shit to me. I need some sort of logical explanation as to why my inter-web is infested with pictures of these ass-hats. The only time that I need to see a picture of Spencer is after his corpse has been ravened in a rabid weasel attack. The weasel-king needs to smack his own.

4. Spy-Gate – This week marked the end of the NFL’s spying controversy. I object to the term Spy-Gate, as it seems more than slightly ludicrous that we could equate the Patriots spying on the Jets and the rest of the league with a controversy that brought down the President of the United States. Many pundits are complaining; I would like to see the pundits work for a living.

5. Hillary Wins! – In another meaningless contest. Go away harpy, I think your husband is snorting powdered sugar off of a stripper’s ass. Again.

6. Damn, those Germans just get it – I believe the term is schadenfreude. It is taking delight in the miseries of others. And I am feeling it today. Coach-Strangler and all-around a-hole Latrell Spreewell is apparently in some serious financial difficulties. Too bad, this is the same guy who turned down a three-year, $21 million dollar contract that he found ‘insulting’ a few years back. He hasn’t played in the NBA since. Maybe he can find work assaulting puffy white guys, but I figure that market is being cornered by Pac-Man Jones.

7. Mr. and Mrs. Ashlee Simpson – I’ve been trying to figure out who exactly got the better of this union, and it seems to be the exact opposite of Brangelina, a perfect storm of no-talent, unattractive people. Someone kill their offspring before it is allowed to find new depths of the gene pool.

8. Finally, it is a terrible day for closeted gay men. Mike Piazza, he of the world’s worst (or best, it depends on your point of view) prison-pussy, has decided to retire. Or, more correctly, the forces of the free market decided it for him. Maybe he can hold another presser to reiterate his hetero-ness, just for old time’s sake.

Not for Renee

Sometimes at work people send these motivational poster things around and they're almost always funny. This is my favorite for the moment...

Guys backflip into jeans

I'd be afraid of junk injuries.

Homer's Big 5 - The New Home

1. Death of a Blog – No, this is not another “Oh, I’m so sad the vanblogger’s dead” post, but rather my other blog will be going on hiatus. It is too bad too, because that means that thevanblogger will be the recipient of all of my new nonsensical posts. Like the big five stories of the week (which were a weekly posting of sorts over on the other place).

2. Death to Asston Kuchar – or whatever his name is. Has he done anything of worth outside of Kelso? Punk’d was tolerable until people figured out what he was doing, but if you are going to play a single character for your entire career, it should really have more substance than some Milwakee stoner. Everyday that Bruce Willis doesn’t kick the hell out of him, leaving him a bloody mess in a Hollywood gutter, he should just count as a blessing from God.

3. Is Speed Racer the result of a Satanic Pact? That is the only explanation that I can come up with for the creation of this shit-fest. Let’s run down the Wachowski Brothers track record for a second shall we? The Matrix trilogy (the first one makes the existence of the other two okay, or at least tolerable), a seriously underrated V for Vendetta and then Speed Racer? The only plausible explanation is that they are making Speed Racer to pay the devil off for their successes in exchange for letting them make a couple of really good movies and letting Larry keep his junk intact.

4. Brandon Webb – continues to bitch-slap the National League. That is all.

5. Travel Writers Cheat? I don’t know if any of you have heard about this, but apparently there is a good deal of controversy going around about a gentleman who wrote for Lonely Planet guidebooks, who apparently wrote about a country he had never visited. Amazing how that works, huh? Hey can I sign up for that too? I’ll take your money and never go anywhere too. I want to pretend to go to Russia. I think it’d be bitchin’, and expensive.

Wow, I Never Want to Meet the Guy

Who buys this. The original comment I saw with this was "a remote control and birth control device all rolled into one." I have nothing to add to this. Anyone willing to spend $2200 on this needs to be neutered, but really, they are doing a good job of that on their own.

Homer

Underwater Welding for CB

Your Daily Dose of Dio

Thank me later,

Homer